2012 Coldwater Classic Predictions

posted by / Blogs / October 30, 2012

Having clear expectations is crucial in getting the most out of life. If you go into something without any expectations, you end walking around aimlessly like a 10th grader without an iPhone. You have nothing to look for, nothing to find. With O’neill’s Cold Water Classic a mere dreadlock away, now is the perfect time to mull over some possibilities. Here are five predictions for the Santa Cruz event to help you craft your expectations.

 

John John Florence, Steamer Lane. Photo: JimmicanePerched like a bird, Jimmicane captures his prey. John John Florence, Steamer Lane. Photo: Jimmicane

 

1The entire San Francisco Giants team will make an appearance. The World Series champs will still be drunk off champagne and brazen off steroids. Upon watching a heat, they will spit out their chewing tobacco in awe. “Holy shit!” they’ll think, amazed by how not boring surfing is. They will finally understand how mundane baseball really is, and quit. Then they will buy expensive tight jeans and retro boards and regularly surf Ocean Beach. The heat that swayed them? Bede Durbridge vs. Tiago Pires.

 


 

2

Gabriel Medina will release a public statement saying he wasn’t crying in Portugal — it was allergies.

 


 

3 A casual night of drinking will turn result in a tragic twist for Wilko’s career. Caught up in a moment, he will eat LSD and inadvertently join a hippie cult. Timothy Leary’s The Psychedelic Experience will become his bible, and he will sell veggie burritos outside The Catalyst on Pacific Avenue to make ends meet.

 


 

4Richie Collins will ask everyone, “Hey remember when I won this event?” and nobody will. Except for Dave Stansfield.

 


 

5Kelly Slater will pull a move out of his old playbook. Back in ’03, there was a Kentucky Derby of a Kelly/Andy title race as the tour neared Hawaii. Slater, renowned for his mind games, made an “accidental” appearance at the house where AI was staying. This trick got in Andy’s head, yet the maneuver ultimately failed and AI walked away with the title. Still, Kelly will give it another shot. So, in Santa Cruz, he will accidentally show up at Parko’s, John John’s and Mick’s. He’ll lie in bed laughing that night, knowing that he rattled his competitors and earned himself another victory. The story will go viral, but his PR people will cover it up by saying he was simply trick-or-treating. —Brendan Buckley

 


 

Editors Note: Comments made by the author regarding the San Francisco Giants do not reflect those of SURFING Magazine as a whole. The Giants are, unequivocally, the best baseball team in the world.

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  • the truth

    Ratboy will be out in Round 2. Done and dusted.

  • Mike

    Ha ha Wilko selling veggie burritos outside the Catalyst!

    Brilliant.

  • gary

    How very Transworld of you guys. Was there a bidding war to bring him over to ‘ing? Not funny or ironic or anything. A total waste of pixels and bandwidth.

  • Marcelo

    Funny shit!! You need to be less lazy and give us a bit more..

  • Ed

    Isnt America the only country that really plays baseball , so obviously they would be the best , not in the world though , not sure why its called the world series if its only played amongst Americans , weird !!!!

  • daniel

    i liked the first comment the most haha, BTW Ed, America (or the USA as the rest of the world knows you) is not the only country playing baseball. Or u think kung fu panda is a US guy. In most central american countries, (including Panama where im from) baseball is the national sport, hence all the latinos in the majors (and minors) and Japan also. BTW i think baseball is boring. And why are the trials not on?? :-(

  • Moonshine

    Major League Baseball has players from Afghanistan, England, Poland, American Samoa, Finland, Puerto Rico, Aruba, France, Russia, Germany, Saudi Arabia, Australia, Greece, Scotland, Austria, Guam, Singapore, Austria-Hungary, Honduras, South Korea, Bahamas, Indonesia, South Vietnam, Belgium, Ireland, Spain, Brazil, Italy, Sweden, British Honduras, Jamaica, Switzerland, Canada, Japan, Taiwan, Canary Islands, China, Mexico, Colombia, Netherlands, Venezuela, Cuba, Nicaragua, Virgin Islands, Curacao, Norway, Wales, Czechoslovakia, Panama, Denmark, Dominican Republic, and The Philippines. It is the World Series. The U.S. is part of the World so they can still call it that.

  • Mik

    whatever…

    I guess chas smith was too busy, so they hired a parrot.

    prediction: a goofy foot will win… maybe Kai, or Nat