A Letter To Gabriel Medina

posted by / Blogs / December 10, 2013

Gabriel MedinaGabriel Medina, soon to be the coolest man in surfing. Photo: Corey Wilson

Dear Gabriel Medina,

On Sunday, I sat on the softest sand in the world and watched you surf in the Billabong Pipeline Masters. You manufactured the best heat of the day and you did so boldly. On one wave, you took off deep, backdoored a roomy barrel, came out and stuck a monstrous alley-oop. It was poetry, but like any good poem, it made me wonder. Why are you not the face of cool? Why do the adolescents of Newport Beach not strive to be reflections of Gabriel Medina? You seem to lack a certain intangible factor, but that’s OK because I know how you can gain it. See below:

The first step is apathy. Pure, shrugging apathy. The first thing you need to do in order to make it big is pretend like you never wanted to in the first place. Desire is for streetcars and you Gabe, you should be driving a Chevrolet from the 1970s. Stop training and start waking up late. You might get a little bit fat but, again, that’s OK. Can you imagine how great it would have been if a chubster stomped that alley-oop? Like a meatball flying through the blue sky, rotating and spraying Ragu four-cheese sauce all over the sullen faces of your foes.

Once you’ve mastered the art of not caring, there are a few lifestyle changes I’d like to see you take up. Grow your hair long, real long, at least to your shoulders. And get some facial hair. If you can’t grow any, then have your father massage Roagaine into your cheeks, chin and neck. I bet his hands are so soft. Smoke cigarettes, too — but not real cigarettes. Roll your own fake ones. Use hawthorn and skullcap herbs and light those bad boys up er’y day. Smoke them with angst and if someone is taking your photograph, make sure it’s grainy or, at the very least, black and white.

Lastly, don’t worry so much about the ASP. Seriously, Gabe, if the WCT is so important then how come Thom Pringle isn’t on it? You get what I’m saying? Go on more trips and see if you can sustain a serious injury (this would really help with getting fat).

Gabe, if you heed my call, I promise you great things. I promise you the biggest contract in the history of professional surfing and the key to Venice Beach. I promise you’ll be everyone’s hero. But, if none of this sounds enticing to you — though I don’t understand why it wouldn’t— then you can just win the world title next year. You kind of seem like you’re due.

Love,

Bren

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60 Responses to “A Letter To Gabriel Medina”

  1. Michael Taylor says:

    weird..

  2. Burckauser says:

    What’s going on Surfing Magazine?
    I can’t believe you guys let such a ridiculous message be written on your pages.

  3. Carlos says:

    It’s such a great thing not being a star in Venice. Not being fat and useless… I guess the world has to learn somethings with Gabe…

  4. Michael says:

    Funny!

  5. Michael says:

    Just saw John Florence win hahaah! YES!

  6. Kaipo Gomes says:

    Didn’t Bren just describe Ford Archbold, Alex Knost and Andrew Doheny? Sure did. Sounds like someone at “ING” can’t stand it that Kolohe went down in flames and now that John John and Medina are overshadowing their golden child in almost every contest on Tour they have to heckle the obvious. Medina is the real deal. Deal with it.

  7. vince says:

    yea man hes killing it.

  8. Targhee says:

    Yup. Medina’s the real deal.

    No doubt, Kolohe is not as the contest evidence speaks for itself. I wonder when Target is going to pull the plug on him?

  9. Jon says:

    I surf love watching medina surf, but he does need to change his prepubescent whiny spoiled attitude. I just don’t get why the editors continue to rant about medina in such odd manners. He’s young. He will come around. World title bound

  10. g says:

    Gabe is better…

  11. Semicolon says:

    Medina is feh da aku bahds. Nah-thine but nectah, all da way brah.

  12. b says:

    Greater truths have never been spoken

  13. Jose says:

    Such a letter full of shit.
    Does Kelly have (or had once is his lifetime) long hair? Cigars? Woke up late?
    This is called focus and commitment. Deal with it.

  14. James says:

    Fuck you man, you’re only jealous !!!!!!! kolohe is shit, watch medina and john john win world titles and suck it !!!!!

  15. Henry says:

    This article is retarded, but I will give you my critique of Gabriel. His style is not that pleasing to the eye. You guys know what I’m taking about. Kind of upright. Stiff neck. Butt sticking out. And a little too “herky jerky”. His turns could use some work, too. He turns off his tail rather than using rails sometimes.

  16. jj says:

    medina is an animal and i love seeing the stuff he can do and the perfection of his aproches in the waves

  17. sam says:

    it’s sarcasm.

  18. Joe says:

    Funny how people are missing the point. Its a sarcastic piece aimed at the odd nature of the surf industry, and the superficial nature of the ‘personality’ plugged by the industry to boost sales. At least I hope so…

  19. Nicky 6 says:

    They’re not literally telling Medina to change his ways. They’re congragulating him by satirizing his success through sarcasm and at the same time they are poking fun at surfers like Dane, Ando, and many others that go about not caring too much about fame or the surf industry.

  20. WILLY says:

    some people surf for the competition of winning I cant relate to that , but there is a fire in Gabe and it will not go out with out a world title for his country & yeah this letter is retarded, just show us photos of waves and babes, stick to the formula SurfingMag.

  21. EWL says:

    Yeah I agree. Have you ever heard of Sarcasm? In case you don’t:
    : the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to insult someone, to show irritation, or to be funny.

    I think the article was efin hilarious!

  22. Bruce says:

    Another pseudo surf-journalist wanting to promote himself the costs of Gabriel Medina. Shameful.

  23. Gabepinnedagain says:

    And I thought I was sarcastic. Wow this takes the cake.. Too bad 70% of the readers wont understand.

  24. Taylor says:

    Funny shit! Seems like a lot of your readers are slow, be more literal for their sake.

  25. Corey Wilson says:

    Love it buck! this is so funny. Some of these readers take it so serious. loosen up and try and laugh for once.

  26. G says:

    I am deeply sorry and possibly even more disturbed that a large percentage of the readers do not realize that the author respects Gabriel for is direct approach, his commitment and individuality. The author was being facetious-sarcastic.
    Do these people vote? No wonder humanity feels such a collective angst. I need to surf everyday as if it was Prosak from
    the divine mother.

  27. SurfingKook says:

    John John and Medina are next generations Kelly and Andy. John John is Kelly and Medina is Andy. So many similarities between them. Andy was very aggressive and so is Medina. John John always seems cool and collective much like Kelly. Both Kelly and John have zen-like power able to will waves their way in last minute heroics to win heats. Eerie.

  28. Ricardo Romeo says:

    To reach to the world title the focus has to 100 percent. I believe your time will come Gabe,,,and really soon…

  29. 234 says:

    Sounds like he’s referring to Dane if you ask me.

    Dude’s gotten fat. He claims he doesnt care about competing and yet he’s been wildcard for at least 5 events this year that I can count off the top of my head and hasn’t done squat.

    He also loves his grainy images (Slow Dance anyone?) and is revered by hipsters all up and down the west coast.

    Yeah, it’s about Dane.

  30. Jesus says:

    I love Gabby. He talks to me and prizes his family. He’ll be granted success and happiness. Keep your eyes and ears focussed on what is important sonny boy.

  31. adam says:

    ur a funny little fella eh… funnier how the readers actually care so much???

  32. joben says:

    he forgot he has to sign with stance too. maybe even stance main

  33. Mik says:

    Gabe rocks, JJ rocks, but let’s not forget Jordy Smith because in may ways he was more exciting than either, this year. (save that JJ’s mammoth air in Bali). Jordy at Bells was dominant. He just needs to get more contest savvy.

    And btw: why all the haters on Kolohe? The entire WCT is stacked with talent, and he’s clearly part of it.

  34. Mik says:

    btw: impersonating chas smith has its consequences…

  35. Ztrois says:

    I really like Medina because it encourages the viewer a poetic passion for what you do with all the feelings of his age. Really, it bothers while inspiring many surfers and surf experts as in your own style, which is very difficult for a young, since most are looking to target the best surfers. If you can bring the styles and generations, I agree with SurfingKook in the JJF is more like Kelly, while the Medina with the hawaiian Andy Irons, and by what Gabe has done, he is much closer North Shore than Venice.

  36. Mike Smolowe says:

    Buck I love you, thank you for putting some playful sarcasm into the sea of overwhelming surf bore

  37. marcus says:

    i dont know whats worse this piece of shit or the comments below… you are all dumb

  38. charlie says:

    great article. unfortunatly the average visiter of this website doesnt understand sarcasm

  39. Charles says:

    As always, a great piece by a smart writer. However, it’s brutally sad that people who know how to read and use a computer AND engage in the Internet can’t examine and critically analyze words to understand a larger message and meaning. Wake up people- the irony is thicker than Gabe’s mom’s ass below…

  40. tony carson (ty) big island but my friends call me "T" for short says:

    Pretty hurtful stuff, Buck. What did Gabs ever do to you? And you call yourself a “surf journalist”? I bet you can’t even surf. You probably have never even had a journal. What a fake. Also, why are you covering up the Eddie Rothman story??? What are you trying to hide brah? THE READERS ARE DYING TO KNOW!

  41. matt says:

    Wilco/Dane hybrid

  42. anyone says:

    if medina were to drop off tour, settle into life with huge corporate dollars and ”free surf’, would he even bother?

    Ando and god are stealing money and I personally celebrate them for doing so.

    but gabes is the real deal and within the context of tennis styled surfing, lethal.

    Ando and god…. not so much.

    which begs the question… which is obsolete?

    Dane/Ando or professional surfing?

    Quiksilver wants to know soooooo badly.

    oh to be invested in a blog…..

  43. Waste of time says:

    this article was written by a surfer who has let all of his potential go to shit by not caring, waking up late, and trying way to hard to do dumb obnoxious things to gain some sort of attention. WE get in Buckley your an idiot who’s time has passed, do something else then write worthless articles.

  44. its a statement piece says:

    1) The author being sarcastic
    2) he’s making a statement about the current state of surfing and how its strayed from the core of what surfing is.
    3) He’s indirectly speaking to people like Andrew Doheny, Dane Reynolds, Dion Aguis (even mentions Thom Pringle).
    4) It scares me that so many people took this seriously
    5) Are the majority of people really this stupid?

  45. Yoda says:

    Tony Carson (Ty) – You do realize that Bredan was being sarcastic in this article, right? He was more mocking the attitude of todays’ lazy “hipster” pros than saying anything bad about Medina. If you don’t see that in the article, you’re pretty dense Tony.

  46. Proseph says:

    Gabe Medina…. Gabe Medina and the vast majority of the Brazilians that make up the tour are insufferable. I get that everyone wants to train and become “world class athletes” and fit and fiery with a competitive nature. However, Brazilians have brought unpolished style, sloppy beach break turns to the world class stage, and most notably, the disgusting claims and temper tantrums you see at any professional soccer game. Thank you Gabe Medina, but lets let jocks be jocks, and let surfing be the alternative to meat head shenanigans, pouting, and most importantly, begging judges to reward the same series of flat turns followed by acrobatic spins and powerless fin releases, followed by some kind of ridiculous claim, like the judges owe them the score.
    Heck, why do we need judges if the Brazo’s seem to know what score they deserve?

  47. Proseph says:

    PS- in reference to the “lazy hipster pros”, isn’t this the same stereo type attached to surfing in its infancy? The one that made surfing a counter culture movement where individuals were encouraged to express themselves and not follow the herd of sheep that made them outcasts, and then eventually embraced. And then built a multi billion dollar industry off of that lifestyle. But hey, forget that, lets all be like Gabe and hit the gym and circuit train….

  48. Danny says:

    Ben,
    Thank you for the anti-hipster sarcasm letter! Love it!
    Funny and so true.
    BTW, it reminded me a comment by Ross Williams praising Nat Young, how he works hard and don’t care of been a blasé hipster.
    Some surf fans still don’t get that look good it’s way easier than surf good and put the hard work.
    The best thing I read the whole year in surf journalism!

  49. Semicolon says:

    all of yo po po nanu’s bettah get outtah da way fo I po him in da ninny. I gwine fill his brains wit nectah. Pop… Pop… BUMBLEQUAT!!! BO BO BO>>>>>.

  50. Danny says:

    @Proseph:
    What you don’t get it is that you are eating hipsters/posers behaviors that is need sealed as authentic and is everything but. It’s way different than the counter culture movement you referred. Your heroes make no statement at all. Never seen any political or rebel attitude agains the system of any of these guys. Their rebellion goes as far as a calculated “dirty” style and drinking PBR. I mean, it’s nothing even new dude. Bands like Strokes came with this hipster/dirty/cool style over a decade ago. Your biggest hero is the HIGHEST payed surfer in the world! (more than even Slater!) And who pays him? Yes, a large corporation. How ironic is that!?

    So yes, I take a hard working brazilian with an “unpolished style” that is way more authentic. Most of them came from a very rough and humble origin and now they are happy in helping their family through surfing. Where they came from has no time ($$$) for worrying of looking cool. They have to help put food on the table. and buy house for their families (like your nemesis Adriano). And all that it’s way cooler (to me anyways) that been payed millions to look cool drinking a PBR.

    Lastly, the “unpolished style” you refer is nothing more than a stereotype you still insists. One of the top 5 best styles on the tour it’s from a brazilian: Miguel Pupo.
    Alejo is also a very polished and stylish surfer (as great stylish surfers like Ross and Shane said over and over on broadcasts).

  51. Danny says:

    @Proseph:
    What you don’t get it is that you are eating hipsters/posers behaviors that they sell as authentic and is everything but. It’s way different than the counter culture movement you referred. Your heroes make no statement at all. Never seen any political or rebel attitude agains the system of any of these guys. Their rebellion goes as far as a calculated “dirty” style and drinking PBR. I mean, it’s nothing even new dude. Bands like Strokes came with this hipster/dirty/cool style over a decade ago. Your biggest hero is the HIGHEST payed surfer in the world! (more than even Slater!) And who pays him? Yes, a large corporation. How ironic is that!?

    So yes, I take a hard working brazilian with an “unpolished style” that is way more authentic. Most of them came from a very rough and humble origin and now they are happy in helping their family through surfing. Where they came from has no time ($$$) for worrying of looking cool. They have to help put food on the table. and buy house for their families (like your nemesis Adriano). And all that it’s way cooler (to me anyways) that been payed millions to look cool drinking a PBR.

    Lastly, the “unpolished style” you refer is nothing more than a stereotype you still insists. One of the top 5 best styles on the tour it’s from a brazilian: Miguel Pupo.
    Alejo is also a very polished and stylish surfer (as great stylish surfers like Ross and Shane said over and over on broadcasts).

  52. Kevin Benik says:

    To those of you who did get it, thank you for reading a book or two in your life – This is funny stuff.

    It’s unfathomable to think so many people can’t see the facetious qualities of this letter. To think that surfing literature would have to be so dumbed down that a 2 year old would get it makes me pretty bummed to have even a perspective in this culture.

  53. Noah K. says:

    The best thing about Gabe is that he doesn’t give two shits about what anyone think of him. He does what he does, what he wants to.
    He cries, he claims, he carries his whole family around. Even if all that may not make him look cool.
    Much better than pretending not to care, when you do really care.
    I’m just sick of these fake “surfer cool dude” stereotype that the media thinks every good surfer needs to be.
    “Fake people have an image to maintain, but real people just don’t give a shit.”

  54. Billy Bob Joe says:

    I think he would be cool if he posted pictures of mac and cheese on Facebook. It’s the trick key to success.

    Yours Truly,
    Señor Tickle Hands Martes

  55. Frank Gomes says:

    Really is this serious?

    Surfing Magazine where is the respect ??
    a bunch of crap, this is a surfing magazine…not a gossip show or some crappy girls diary.

  56. lanceburkemart says:

    if he would stop claiming every single wave he’d be more likeable… and not “play down” by surfing the World Juniors… that was just lame altogether.

  57. CJ says:

    So the letter writer is saying he should be more like Dane Reynolds……naa….that guy is a poser.

  58. Marcus says:

    Get the paskowitz-fletcher look so you’ll be accepted… , geez this mag must be hiring really young lads or lost it.

    FYI Dane Raynolds is not a Pro surfer, think he never was / never will… Since the etymology of PRO is professional, You cannot call PRO that.

  59. Everybody says:

    Billy Bob Joe Is definitely correct on this one. Sorry guys.

  60. Ryan says:

    See i kindv agree with this. I think pro surfers take themselves way too seriously. What happened to the ideal of the hippie surfer who lived on the beach had hair way past his shoulders had feet so tough he could walk over molten lava. I miss that guy. So i made a surfing movie dedicated just to surfing, no pros in it or ams looking to get sponsored just your every day shredders come check it out -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9b98UcLHyI

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