Baby, Take It Off!: Alana Blanchard’s T-Mobile Commercial

posted by / Blogs / August 21, 2013


Baby Take It Off!

I am of two minds regarding the dance between pop culture and surf culture. Sometimes I feel only happy to be invited into the larger ballroom. I feel surfers, no matter how cool and awesome and tan and amazing, are cultural retards. Listening to the wrong music, wearing the wrong things, jumping on the right bandwagons but years too late. Like, have you seen the headlong rush to embrace indie café racing motorbike culture? Surfers would have been on trend had they rushed headlong a decade ago. Now it is just embarrassing. And so, when pop culture embraces any part of what we do I feel, “Good on us! Maybe we aren’t so retarded after all!”

Sometimes, though, I watch Alana Blanchard star in a Sony cellphone commercial and I feel, “Please leave us alone, pop culture. Please please please leave us alone and in the corner, dancing with ourselves.” I also feel, “This is the worst thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life.” It really is. Every part of it, from the cheaply taped items onto Alana’s surfboard to the way she jumps off the boat into the water to the “Hang ten” reference. It is all wrong and it is all horrible. It is not Alana’s fault, to a point. Some geeky agency came up with the concept and rolled it out and it got ok’d down the line and Alana had nothing to do with it. Then again, she stars in it. So it is completely her fault. Alana and Laird are now in a race to the bottom. Winner gets to star in the next Arby’s commercial.

On the floors of Tokyo
Down in London town’s a go-go
With the record selection
And the mirror’s reflection
I’m a-dancing with myself.

Oh, when there’s no one else in sight
In the crowded, lonely night
Well, I wait so long for my love vibration
And I’m dancing with myself.

Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself
Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself
Well there’s nothing to lose
And there’s nothing to prove
And I’m dancing with myself
Oh, oh, oh, oh…

—Chas Smith

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Related Posts:

  • Mark Cole

    I very much enjoyed reading this piece.

  • Rickoray

    Actually, Kalani Robb got the Arby’s commercial.

  • Le Blanc

    Yeah, disgraceful and I would have liked to see the other gals strip down too.

  • bo bigalow

    we will give you erotic pleasure in exchange for the continuum transfunctioner.

  • Jimmicane

    Are they really gonna air this on TV? That would be a really awkward 1:11 for a shit ton of families. It is really funny though. Chas, maybe you just aren’t getting their humor? They are joking… right?

  • Slicer

    Yeah Chas have a sense of humor bro. Its a comedy piece and meant to be hanging a little to the left. I think you are missing the point. Alana makes for a hot secret agent and this is fun all around.

  • Michael Taylor


  • Kirsten B

    Think you’re taking this a bit too seriously bro. Its supposed to be funny. How can you not see it’s satire and poking fun at Alana’s sex symbol persona?

  • EZ

    Chas nailed it…Laird and Alana in a race for the bottom. But hey, they’re both laughing all the way to the bank. Who among us would thumb their nose at that kind of cash?

  • Montana

    Everyone’s all like “Alana race for the bottom,” and I’m sitting over thinking, “oh sweet, a sand and waterproof phone.”

  • tony (ty) carson- kailua kona big island

    Hey guys, better be careful, there is some one out there just waiting to punch a ghost, if “he” disagrees with one of your comments. Were so afraid, (not). So much for free thought. And as far as comments goes, we never found out why the comments on
    Chas’s blog of 7/21/2013- the ‘Eddie Rotham and Playboy’ blog, why the comments disappeared. Maybe Chas, (or Brendan or the Editor) won’t be such a gremmie, and will man up and take the drop, and tell us why the comments were deleted. Come on Chas, it was your blog, if anybody knows, it should be you. Your readers want to know why the comments were deleted.

  • anyone

    One of the best things about surfing is not having a cell phone in the water.

    Not too clean of a jump off the boat either… Pauline Mencer would have done so without any splash.

    As long as Alana is apparently willing to do anything for money… cut to the chase and wrestle Rosy naked.

    Pay per view.

    Tony is obsessed and not with women….

  • anyone

    why are you moderating me surfing magazine?

    I’m anyone… meaning everyone.

    discretion, decorum and intellect, is that too much for you boys?

    stab enjoys a similar paranoia…

    its called an ideological compromise. Are you surfers or are you slaves posing as surfers?

    Debt creates parasites.

  • Dreaming

    Definitely some “sex sells” going on here…imagine if they all just started making-out and it turned into the hottest girl on girl action EVER.

  • Mike Anderson

    u r all j e l o u s….

  • Mike Anderson

    haters that is,,,

  • Aaron Lieber

    If agencies hired surf film makers to make commercials that have to do with surfing not only would they be creatively awesome they would be authentic!

  • henry the 9th

    throw in the towel crying from laughing so hard

  • dick swinggin

    true corporate dooshbaggery…how the fuck do u hang ten on a thruster…she could get my hung ten

  • Dante

    It was really stupid in my opinion. Alana probably makes plenty of money without doing this sort of crap ! Sexy can be cool and all that…But this ad in really dumb ! Hang ten on a short board ? Who wrote the script for this ad ? Really stupid !

  • dgb

    Next stop for Alana is twerking for roxy.

    What’s with Chas? He gushes over surf company marketing dribble, but feels slighted by outside source marketing dribble.

  • PipePete

    this was great marketing to the masses and was not meant to be authentic for the surf community you clowns. if you are offended by being thought of as a grem because of main streamers using actual surfers you indeed already are a grem. grem. funny commercial and that is all.

  • The dump person

    Strange commercial…Does she wear flippers? :)