Fck Vwls: Baby, Take it Off!

posted by / Blogs / July 5, 2012

Vowels
 

Editors Note: In the August issue of SURFING [Sex, Money, Power; blessing shelves and iPads], we crafted a small feature about money in the surf industry, about trends and happenings. How much does a ‘QS guy get paid? What’s it cost to sponsor a WT event? What’s happening to the regional pro? Stuff like that. Our editor-at-living-large, Chas Smith, noticed a trend among emerging brands, which he details below. (Or should we say, blw?)

 

Baby Take It Off!

Vowels are not very cool. Arabs know this. They write without A, E, I, O, U or even Y. The Vietnamese know this. They name most of their young Ng. Madonna knows this. Her newest, totally hot album is titled MDNA. And the surf industry knows this, too. RVCA was our first entry into the linguistically cool zone of being almost voweless, leaving a simple dangling “A” like an appendix. Like a not-fully-evolved reminder of what we were (did you know the human appendix is a holdover from when used to eat tree bark?). AMBSN, VSTR, BRXTN followed suit, slashing the vowel either entirely or almost entirely. Luke Davis knows, his new line with reef, RESRV, contains only one. Fantastic, Luke! Hacking the unnecessary.

Arabs, the Vietnamese, Madonna, the surf industry and Luke Davis know that vowels don’t look very good. Their shapes are too round — except for “I” and “E” — and round is fat and fat is ugly. Vowels are also very selfish. They insist we learn them first, as children. We learn that every word has a vowel somewhere in it, anchoring it. And then we discover “rhythm” and fail spelling tests because we spell it “rithem” only aping what we learned. We must buy vowels on Wheel of Fortune, spending hard earned dollars to secure their services. What makes them special enough to be bought? Nothing. It is a holdover from when humans howled like dogs. Vowels are rude taskmasters. Arrogant pricks.

I am very pleased with RVCA, AMBSN, VSTR, BRXTN and Luke Davis. They make good products and send a good message. I look forward to the day that the entire surf industry beats back the vowel horde. I welcome QKSLVR, BLLBNG, RP CRL, NLG, GLB, HRLY and VNS. I welcome SRFNG magazine.

Fck y vwls! Fck ff nd g t hll! —Chas Smith

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  • STNL

    Ths s th wrst Rtcle eVR, sorry, THIS IS THE WORST ARTICLE EVER!!!! Plus, I LOOOOOOVE vowels, they allow us to EEENFATIIIIZZEEEE !!!! Please do try better next time, your job is easy enough.. NUFF SED

  • Ben Kollmer

    Can you’ll please fire Chas Smith? When I see his name my stomach begins to turn and I think great…. another shit article by Chas F-cking Smith!

  • groovy bro

    this is funny. i was wondering if anybody else was noticing this gay little trend.

  • ash cash

    haha. only you chas. this could have been better written, (i’ve seen it from you before) but at least you recognized the obvious with slashing vowels to market, it being a fad. with all this text lingo, vowels will probably become extinct within the near future. good to hear from you through Twitter.

  • Crap Smith

    You guys are really desperate for content and material and in need of a real writer, editor or journalist. What Crap Smith does is nothing but nonsensical filler that takes the average Chimp about 13 minutes to write. When is he ever going to write about surfing? Not blond surfers who he idolizes, but actual surfing? Chas you’re a blue-collar dork from Oregon who wishes he were part of the Beautiful People. So, instead, you romanticize and write about it. Creep.

  • Cassie

    Ha Crap Smith it probably took you 13 minutes to read this article and another 13 to write your stupid post. What would you possibly do with your crappy life if you didn’t have Chas Smith to pick in. Oregons sweet and I bet you you couldn’t surf there if your life depended on it and furthermore Chas actually is one of the beauty’s. Duh…

  • michael

    “Madonna knows this. Her newest, totally hot album is titled MDNA”

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    Chas is a 40 year old woman!

  • Marcus Bockman

    “Ng” is NOT an extremely common surname in Vietnam (despite what the author might lead you to believe with statements such as “The Vietnamese know this. They name most of their young Ng.”). In fact, “Ng” is likely of Chinese origin. To my knowledge, the last name spelled as “N-G” is not a top-10-most-common surname in either China or Vietnam. Ignorance is bliss, though–right? Could the author at least “google” an Asian last name’s origin before making a comment that sounds borderline racist? (But I guess that doesn’t matter–all Asian names sound alike, right?) I believe the author was thinking of the last name spelled “N-G-O”, which is the Vietnamese equivalent of the Chinese Ng. But “Ngo” has a vowel–so I guess that’s not relevant in the eyes of those who are “knowledgeable” and tragically hip. By the way, realizing that Ng didn’t sound like a Vietnamese name (I went to a high school with a large Asian population), I found all of this information online in about 20 minutes. Double check my work. I’m not an etymologist by any means. I have to admit, this is pretty embarrassing writing, though. Pre-publication research, anyone?

  • ron gilchrest

    hey hey boys!
    its ronny again!
    man ive gotta say
    marcus bockman you are a tool. a straight up dog down tool
    who does asain research besides a goon?
    i bet you went to ucsd moorraann!!!
    you should be ashamed of yourself
    we all know chas smith likes boys, but to write this kind of hair salon – nail salon garbage is way to much for my fortune cookie to handle
    Trivia Question: Who was the first to invent the wonton???
    Answer: the ASSIANNs!!! duh!
    sorry for not being specific but no one really cares!

    besides chas smith Surfing is a great publication and should be spared of your benevolence!
    Everyone thought the magazine would go down the drain after Travis Ferre left. But Bam! in comes the new guy! Up from the desk in the corner next to chado and bam! straight to the editor in chiefs room down the hall
    And his name?
    T.p
    yea thats right TP baaybeeeey
    Taylor Paul
    and hes doing a swell job
    i think that evryone deserves a second chance! – except Marcus bockman who should lose everything

    but in the words of bockman- ” a gynacologist belongs no where near a dolphin tank”
    good luck in the next hot dog eating contest bocckyy!

  • down east skateboard

    you forgot VLCM you twat.

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  • jones

    Your’e all that far off the mark! it’s not about the article, it’s about the pictures!!!!

  • Skud

    your forgot DVDA, which has been around in the adult entertainment business for years