How To Get The Buns Off The Beach

posted by / Blogs / August 31, 2013

Photo: Corey Wilson

Any post-surf walk off the beach could reveal a dozen pretties lying out in the sun, begging for a man to swoop them off their sandy feet. And all too often, we just shuffle past them dreaming that the brunette in the strappy bikini will simply hurl herself at us. That day may never come.

Balaram Stack waits for no such miracle. The kid from New York seizes his every opportunity and slings more frank than a Syrian hotdog vendor outside Yankee Stadium. And since Bal spends the majority of his time traveling, he’s quite experienced in the field of courting women on-the-go. Here is Balaram’s flawless three-step system. —Brendan Buckley

1: The Approach
You never want to charge up to the first girl you see. You have to really look around first. Check for any signs of a shitty boyfriend, like white sunglasses, Adidas flipflops or MGMT playing on the stereo. Have another look and be certain she’s your type — the last thing you want is for her to flip onto her stomach and reveal a winged seahorse tattooed on her lower back or something. If all looks good, approach.

2: The Speech
Don’t ask for the time or use any other lame icebreakers. That is weakness. Just introduce yourself. Ask her name and where she lives, keeping the conversation light and pleasant. Flattery is OK, but there is a difference between complementary and creepy — “You’ve got nice eyes” isn’t the same as “You’ve got nice feet.” Speak as if you already know her and get her to feel comfortable around you.

3: The Evening
The best way to succeed is to put the night on the pedestal. You have to act as if tonight will be the best night in the history of darkness. Make her feel like she’d be missing out on a grand old time, but be careful not to go too far. You don’t want to seem needy or desperate. And if you can find the balance, her phone number, and her heart, will belong to you.

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  • Wyatt

    Finally, a surf mag with the guts help us “sling more frank!” And with the sage wisdom of a horny pro, whose 21 long years of skilled romance and love-making have certainly made him the go-to guy for hook-up instructionals. “Speak as if you already know her…act as if tonight will be the best night in history.” GENIUS!

    P.S. I hope that hot vendor’s family wasn’t gassed on the homefront LOLOLOL.

  • masniffur

    you forgot that being a pro surfer helps

  • longbeachrat

    this shit is beaks bal

  • Chris

    Hey Wyatt,

    P.S. – You’re an a$$h@le.

  • tony (ty) carson big island

    Wyatt, since Brendon isn’t poking a little fun at you, (like he said he might do), and by his silence, we have to assume he some what agrees with your comment. Maybe their is hope yet for freedom of speech.

  • anyone

    Next week, Balaram advises on how he books surf trips.

    “Wait for your sponsor to book you on an Indo photo shoot and pretend that you expected to go when you accept the offer nonhalantly.”

  • cordell

    Excellent article, More woman should get into surfing. If a guy can do it so can a woman. Surfing is the shit in all its forms.

  • dick swinggin

    one obstical u overlooked…her bitchy girlfriends dick block every time