Jimmicane’s Passion Picks: Oakley Pro Bali 2013

posted by / Blogs / June 13, 2013

Jimmicane’s Passion Picks: Oakley Pro Bali 2013
 

This was the hardest team I’ve ever tried to pick, so I ended up just putting my favorite surfers on until I ran out of budget. Are you kidding me? Keramas! I really wish we could be watching Andy Irons in this event. The shit he was doing in Trilogy… it makes me want to cry. Then again, think about everyone’s video sections out here. It’s always the cream of the crop, which is why the hype for this event is so jacked up.

I’ll be posted up at Komune, living 5-star like Gucci Mane, smokin’ hot surf wives and Bintangs littering the poolside.

—————

Kelly Slater

Ever since it’s been deemed officially not gay to jerk off to Kelly Slater’s surfing on June 12, 2013, people have been relieved all over the world. There’s no explanation for the shit this guy was doing in Fiji. Seriously, that was the most fun webcast to watch since, well, last year when Slater was doing the same thing.

I’m automatically putting Kelly on because this is an event he’s never won before, obviously, because there’s never been a WCT here. Slater has to win for that reason alone. The guy leaves no surf break un-ravaged by his Channel Islands swords.

—————-

Jordy Smith

A little known tidbit is that O’Neill had an option with Jordy’s contract at the end of 2012. They could extend him for five more years, or they could let him walk and relieve his huge salary from their marketing budget.

Word is, that Oakley came in with an absurdly high offer for Jordy to go head-to-toe, and O’Neill contemplated letting him ride. Then of course John John went to Hurley and someone smart at O’Neill said, “Hell no, we aren’t letting him bail. We’re keeping the most fearsome non-lion in South Africa in his cage at least till 2017!”

This decision will specifically pay off at the Oakley Pro Bali, where Jordy will smoke everyone with his unmatched frontside attack. Of course that freakish 41 year old could always come in and use superior mind-power to shrink the 6’2″ Smith into a Glen Hall sized struggler, but I have to put my money on this bru.

—————–

Taj Burrow

Taj or Parko? Parko or Taj? I literally battled this decision in my head for three minutes. If you think about this kind of shit for more than three minutes, you’re probably also one of those people who is never ready to order when a server comes to your table. How annoying you must be!

I picked Taj cause he owns a house here and I’m recalling in my head the countless amount of video sections he’s exported from this very location. Am I confident that he’ll do better than Parko? Definitely not, but I’d rather see him win and that’s why this is Passion Picks.

——————

John John Florence

Surprisingly someone who hasn’t had any memorable footage from Keramas, which makes me that much more excited to see what he will do out there. Whatever it is, I’m positive we’ll all be in for a treat.

Bonus enjoyment may very well come from a new edit from Blake Kueny featuring his free-surfs while here. Fingers crossed it’s not another Imagine Dragons song that gets stuck in our heads all day though. How bout some Juicy J instead, Blake?

——————-

Julian Wilson

If you watch his old signature vid Scratching the Surface, you will notice how hard Julian is killing this place. You will also notice that Dusty Payne kinda takes him out, just like Eminem does to Jay-Z on his song “Renegade.” Both were good, but it’s always embarrassing to get murdered on your own shit.

Don’t think Julian’s forgotten this. He’s gonna want payback in the form of winning, and maybe even a 540 ally oop if we get lucky.

—————

New to Passion Picks: Who not to pick!

Bruce Irons: If you think Bruce Irons will do anything in this contest, you are still living in the Magna Plasm days. There’s a 50% chance he shows up for his heat and a 25% chance he lands a single maneuver in said heat. Even “Floridian elementary math” students can understand those bad percentages. Love this guy, but Bali just does not yield success for him.

Kai Otton: Can you picture a scenario where he advances a round? Neither can I. It’d be a let down to say the least.

Glen Hall: He got a helicopter ride out of Fiji with fractures in vertebrae’s L 2, 3 and 4. That’s scary shit. We all wish him the best on a speedy recovery.

Alejo Muniz: Is he still on tour? I can’t remember him surfing a heat this year so far.

Kieren Perrow: Unless there’s a giant swell and it turns into a barrel-fest… hopeless.
 

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  • yeah guy

    here’s some floridian elementary math for you… what’s 46 – 66?

    it’s the jaguar’s losing record since you became a season ticket holder 7 seasons ago.

  • Kaipoisatool

    Yeah guy,
    Everybody loves negative people in life. They really contribute so much to our world.
    Enjoy going to work and hoping to catch some of the contest, via the internet, while Jimmicane is sipping Bintang’s and hanging with hot chicks in Indo during the contest……at the contest.

    How does that ADD up for you?

  • Really?

    “not gay to jerk off to Kelly Slater’s surfing” – this was the best metaphor you could come up with to describe admiration for someone’s ability level? Grow the hell up. Try a few hot laps through a thesaurus before the next time you sit down at a keyboard.

  • Chotfran

    Yeah jimmy let the haters hate, I actually find your writing so funny. People are just jealous that u have such a great job. We all know the Jags are misery who cares? They are still our team. Keep writing some more shit like “not gay to jerk off to Slater’s surfing…” Lol the best.

  • TKAug

    @ Really?
    This is Surfing Mag, not TSJ or Inertia(both of which I also enjoy), so lowbrow humor should be expected. I’m almost 37 and a married father of 2 daughters, but Kelly’s surfing was that good it warrants such a metaphor. Surf Porn at its finest, imho!;D

  • Kaipo Gomes

    Jimmicane, really??!!….”not gay to jerk off to Kelly Slater’s surfing”…Wow. You can’t fix STUPID. That comment goes beyond stupid. Amazing that people here focus on factual comments that they cannot comprehend and are offended by that. How do you tools get thru day to day life? Have to say your picks are good for Keramas. Better than the picks by Shea Lopez who did not pick Slater.
    To the “tool” above take some sensitivity training. Is Dusty your neighbor or something. My call was spot on as Dusty went down early as predicted. We are discussing his performance in heats not how nice he might be as a person. By the way I know Dusty pretty well so sleep on that.

  • Elko

    Can’t wait for the Jags to move to Los Angeles.

  • OMG not-LMFAO

    “not gay to jerk off to Kelly Slater’s”???? Since when did surfer magazine hire junior high students to write its online content? This is disappointing Surfer Magazine. Grow up jimmicane.

  • TKAug

    @OMG: Not to be persnickety, but BTW, this is ‘ING’, not ‘ER’. LOL ROFL LMFAO WTF STFU DILLIGAF GDMFR GMO DSL SLR PTA NATO NASA SHIT

  • Mik

    oooyooo. funny shit J-caine. couldn’t disagree with the haters more. surfing isn’t serious, it’s seriously fun… And this mutant is a funny man.

    having surfed Keramas, i hope it is cranking. i got it 5 — 10 ft for two weeks, and it’s a completely different scene as the size starts showing. As Parko has said, it’s harder to surf that it looks. Way faster than anything CA has to offer, so you cant just park yourself in the tube and hope to make it.

    Speed freaks like Kelly Mick and Taj will be in their element…

    Also, ledgy sections appear suddenly, making what looked like a ramp turn into a deep tube and if you read it wrong you’re pitched hard, on the reef. It’s there, waiting.

    Jordy is going to be epic here. Nat Young will surprise, because his vertical backhand attack is so crazy fast, and he has a big backhand air game.

    Bruce…? wow. i hope he has been training, because i worship the Irons style.

    If its small, different story. then whatever, anyone can rock there at 3—5 ft.

    Can’t wait…

    Luke Egan’s Komune Hotel & restaurant, right on the beach is going to buzzing…
    Wish more of the amazing local Bali crew have a chance to be wildcarded in.

    Bali = Happi

  • yeah guy

    @Kaipoisatool – negative people make this website go round. you must be new here.

    How does that ADD up for me? Let me see if i can get this right… jimmi “the jaguar” cane’s going to be at a pool looking at a bunch of very attractive women that are married to or dating professional surfers? then he’ll be going back to his room to reenact the famous scene from “tommy boy” while peeking through his window spying on slater? his words not mine. sounds like a blast. sign me up.

    but then again, my comment had nothing to do with any of that. my comment was in regards to the pathetic team that he cheers for and constantly writes about. they’re horrible. although i do respect MJD for picking himself #1 overall in his own fantasy league.

  • Langerbang

    HAHA. Good to see you this week Jimmy. That accident on the 5 was pretty fucked up. Almost as fucked up as some of these stupid ass comments. I’m assuming some of them come from people expecting an upgrade on their halo by putting money into a wicker basket. I hope you have a blast in Bali and that you see some amazing shit go down! I thought the Slater comment was spot on! Why anyone would be on Surfing (not Surfer you middle school educated idiot) and taking anything that serious is beyond me. I’m assuming those comments are being written by people who almost know how to make it to their feet and go down the line. The only growing up anyone needs to do is those of you out there taking something meant to be light and funny and turning into something you’re hating on. Surfing is fun and Jimmy’s comments are funny. A little pessimism is always welcome in my opinion. It’s what sparks optimism to begin with. None of us live to be a 1000 so take a step back and reflect on Jimmy’s comments as they’re meant to be received. As light hearted and funny. If you new Jimmy that’s how you’d take them and you’d cheer for him like your favorite football player!