Sup? I’m Bren. I’m sure you’re super busy right now, what with the Winter Games and all, but I figured I’d give you a holler. Hopefully you can find some quiet time in that swanky Sochi hotel room of your’s to take a minute and digest what I’m about to say. I’m here to talk to you about surfing.
Here’s the thing: surfing isn’t an Olympic game. And here’s why that’s a thing: biathlon is. Biathlon, a sport which involves skiing around and shooting off rifles like a redneck on vacation in the Alps, is an Olympic game. So is table tennis, trampoline, racewalking and probably bingo. All beautiful recreations in their own right, but more beautiful than surfing? I think not. But I’m not here to argue.
You and surfing just don’t mesh. For starters, it’s a logistical nightmare. The ocean has a mind of her own and we’re still a long way’s away from a worthy wave pool. Until then, it’s just not a fit. Your format doesn’t seem conducive to a waiting period and there’s nothing that attracts an asterisk like winning gold in the worst waves ever. Gross. And then all the guff we’d cop from the non-surfing world for the inevitably poor surf? Not into it. So let’s save that talk for 2032.
But right now, Olympics, you need more appeal. You need it desperately. I’ve seen your figure skaters this year and I’ve got to say that I’m not impressed. You need to be more sexy. You need a glamorous sport that’ll drop jaws and truly inspire. You need a fantasy for the world to buy into. You need kneeboarding.
Kneeboarding. Since its rise to the spotlight in the 1980s, the sport has wained to a point of borderline extinction. The kneeboarding community as a whole is akin to a half-dead piece of roadkill on the side of a highway, heavily panting, hanging on for dearest life. It fits every criteria for an Olympic game. Archaic? Check. Obscure? Sure. And most importantly, it’s impossible for anyone outside of its own esoteric world to take seriously. It’s a match made it Elysium.
So, yeah man. There you go. Kneeboarding can be your alluring little mistress until surfing is ready. Good chat and I hope you enjoy the rest of your time in Sochi. By the way, you hear about that Jamaican bobsled team? How about those guys, right? So classic.
PS – Could you please make a gold medal and give it to Kelly Slater? No need for silver or bronze, just one single gold medal. He deserves it, and today is his birthday for fuck’s sake.
If you actually want to keep tabs on the Olympics, see SURFING Editor-at-living-large Chas Smith’s coverage for Esquire here.