Out of Office Reply: Artfully Dodging Airline Fees

posted by / Blogs, Editorial / May 10, 2011

Out of Office Reply is Associate Editor Taylor Paul’s column on surf travel, big waves, and other manly bits

All the traveling essentials. 4+ boards, week supply of Whole Foods, guitar, and a few clothing textiles. Kelly Slater airport run.

All the traveling essentials: 4+ boards, week’s supply of Whole Foods, guitar, and a few textiles. Kelly Slater airport run. Get ready to pony up, champ. Photo: Sherm

 

 

Out of Office Reply

You get to the airport early, dragging a full boardbag behind you. There’s no line to check in, and three airline agents smile in your direction like game-show models. In front of door number one, a cute blonde in her mid-twenties. Door number two, a dude in a suit with wired glasses. And in front of door number three, a portly woman in her early forties. Other passengers start to filter in behind you. Decision time. Which agent is most likely to cut you a break on the two (OK…three) rip sticks stuffed inside your bag?

The most widely held belief among surf travelers is that your best chance is the young female agent. She’s cool, she’s flirty, and she knows these charges are outrageous.

And if you’re Julian Wilson, that probably works. But shuffling up to that babe, her hair pulled back in a tight bun and a little hat perched just so, isn’t your best bet. Sure, you’re handsome and charming and you make her giggle by asking if she wants to come to Barbados. But she’s green. She has no pull. When you ask her so nicely, flashing those Crest White Strip teeth of yours, if she’d be so kind as to excuse the excess baggage fee, she’ll panic and “have to go ask her manager.” And the manager missed your introductory wit and charisma. All the manager sees is this pest pulling her away from an all-time high score on Angry Birds. You lose. You pay now. And by the way, how many boards are in that bag?

 

When you travel with this many boards, you need a second boardbag and enlist help.

“Let’s see — 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8… Two, there are two boards in there.” [Insert big ol' shit-eating grin.] Photo: Sherm

 

Solution: Approach the other ticketing agent, the bigger, older woman — the one who hasn’t enjoyed attention from a younger man since being courted by her deadbeat ex at a Prince concert in ‘88. Your smile works on her. She’d love to go to Barbados. And no, she’s not wearing contacts, those are her real eyes! She knows you’re bullshiting but doesn’t care. The flattery makes her feel young. Glowing. Be a shame to spoil such a lovely moment by asking for money. Besides, she’s been with the airline long enough to know how to pull some strings.

“Lemme just waive the surfboard fee for you, sweetie.”

“Good looks and a generous soul. You’re too much!”

“Oh, stop.” —Taylor Paul

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  • Tim C

    LAX to London last year with Air NZ, surfboard travelled for free with no quibbles at check-in, and it was even handed back to me by a person on arrival. OK, it was only 1 lonesome board and not an entire quiver, but still, I thought it was pretty good service!

  • Claude

    And if patronizing a fat chick doesn’t work, you can always try option #2: Acting incredulous (I’d suggesting waving your arms, saying “This is ridiculous” DMV-style) and demanding to see “the manager” who will inform you of the predetermined baggage fees which, after much huffing & debating (I’d suggest, “Explain to me how 3 boards take up more space than 1″ or the standby “Are you gonna charge THAT guy for his golf clubs?”) you will pay.

    The good news: you’re going surfing! And potentially somewhere cool! And you’ll have something besides “these clowns in D.C.” to bitch about outside the local coffee joint when you get home!

  • chuck

    choose an airline that plays nice(air emirates , Singapore ), check in early, be polite and ask nice, and Never have your wife stand next you and say ‘” o, thats about what you thought they would charge, isn’t it dear?”

  • sshh

    I live in a smaller town with a smallish airport and the mid forties, attention deprived, portly woman works there. I just hope she doesn’t read this.

  • miley virus

    as a 33 year airline employee….good f…ing luck getting your bags cked in for free….i work here and mine are supposed to travel for free but my fellow airline employees still want to try to charge me…so i have to go into the computer and show them where they dont charge me for them….with the almighty dollar being so tight in the airline business…if someone wavies your surfboard fee and someone finds out there is a good chance the person that helped you could get fired

  • Scotty Hammonds

    This is amazing! Well put! Most of the travel tip websites write the dumbest shit ever, loving this!

  • Rad Dude

    If you can, fly Emirates. They rule.

  • Grace

    Only one way to find out champ. . . . . but from what i’m hearing it onusds just like someone saying there good at riding a bike and can wonder if they can ride a motorcycle. So I would say yes. You can also start out by surfing towards the shore which will be easier that standing up on a body-board. Then progress to surfing into the wave like you see most people do.