New York Noise Vol. 1: Dion and Warren get Raped by NYC

posted by / Blogs / July 19, 2010

Proxy Noise by Warren Smith and Dion Agius

Words and Photos by Dion Agius and Warren Smith

My life is messy and I apologize for the smell. I moved to New York with my friend Dion Agius. My backbone is wilted into a frail spaghetti noodle and my eyes are burned dry from not being prepared for this party. I now have a pale face and blisters on my sleepy feet. I am also fat. Dion complains of possible cellulite forming on his ribs. “Man I think I can feel cellulite forming on my ribs,” he said.

I’ve been here for a month and seen more sunrises than sunsets. You’re gonna need to think about that for it to make sense. Disappearing into poisonous vapors is now a possibility. We’re not proud of this behavior, but it’s not our fault. We blame New York. New York won’t allow you to not — not play, not partake, not meet people, not go out. Too many things to see to not see them. To many things to do to not do them.

Here’s a list of all the cool things we’ve done:

Warren and Dion Jay Walking.Got a ticket for drinking in the street. Photo by Nick LaVecchia

Warren SmithWarren ran face first into a pole while attempting to walk and text.

Warren Smith Crossroads
Both got yelled at by a hipster for not know what Stumptown coffee was*.

(Editor’s Note: Stumptown is unofficially the official coffee of the SURFING Magazine office staff.)

NYC MusicMusic is food for the soulSaw a bazillion good live bands already, Vivian Girls, Beirut, Tame Impala, Sic Alps, Woods, Real Estate, Reading Rainbow, Family Trees, Delorean, Tan Lines, Glasser, Woom, Deerhoof (do a Joy Division cover set), Wavves, The Dream

Neon LightsEcstasymud wrestlingWent to a semi-gay neon rainbow bright rave where we saw a topless girl with mud on her back perform oral on her man friend in the middle of the dance floor.

Warren and Dion's denLived in a crack den for a week without the landlord knowing.

BricksGot kicked out of a crack den by the landlord for living in his crack den for a week without him knowing.

Shoes meet their death.NYC SkylineNYC Bridge Dion met Kevin Rudd (ex-prime minister of Oz) at the MOMA.

NYC HeatWarren got hit on by a gay boy also named Warren.

SunriseSat next to Lady Gaga at a Smiths/Morrissey dance night while she played spin the bottle with her posse of gay friends.

artshowSaw art and other neato things of cultural importance.

shoes

Semi Gay?Neon SignSaw two guys kissing in front of a neon penis sign.

Warren Smith captures the moment.FencingWarhol's influence lives on. Campbells cans.artConesWe almost went surfing.

Buns.But who are we kidding?

We’re not really sure how long we’ll be here. The bad news is we might die. The good news is we started a photo blog of our stay here, PROXYNOISE.COM. I hope we don’t die so you can look at some of our photos. We’re also working on something of particular importance. Well, not that important. But that’s for later. I’ll leave you a with a Sonics song that is of some relevance I suppose. It’s about drinking poison.

Related Articles:

New York Noise Vol. 2: Dion and Warren’s New Friends
August 4, 2010

Meet Lenard Smith and Mac Huelster more >

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  • Ruddy

    Alright, A place where Dion and Warren can go, and not stand out! NYC loves you!

  • GB

    Cheap red wine @ 4AM in rundown brownstones? Pitchfork-approved/Williamsburg-tested, neon-clad, neo-disco acts? Ponderous b&w cityscapes? Gay people??? AMAZING!!!!

    Surfers’ recent fetish for the urban lifestyle…UNCLE! Please make it stop.

  • smugged

    coke ,whores and art thats been done over and over….beatnik beta tight sisters pants a beenie and a camera..ohh Im in New York too…but its 80 degrees and the beachie is firing…POSERS!..I do think those two kids kill it ona surfboard…but dont tell us about your city life..cuz its LLLLAME!

  • Erinn

    Hey, I got raped by NYC! Oh wait, I mean, I got raped IN NYC. No really, I did. It wasn’t particularly funny and it doesn’t feel especially good to see story titles like the one above. “Rape” is not really the right verb for “getting drunk and seeing indie rock shows.”

    think.

  • Jeff

    Everyone is a photographer these days, and this story confirms my theory that 99% of them are just GWC’s (guys with cameras). Beenies and flannels in the middle of summer in NYC? Sure Guy….

  • I’m fine as hell

    i wish these two turds would just stick to buttfucking each other. this shite lacks any real feeling and depth. its pretentious like billy ray cyrus was in the 90′s and he got his ass beat for that. Im gonna call someone and tell them to call these two cheadle dicks on the phone. itll be hillarious. and hey and do you guys know of any

  • Kris

    There’s a place for pictures like these. It’s known as “Facebook.” You can send an update link to your parents,

    “Hey mom & dad, I’m in Manhattan! There is garbage on the street here…so romantic! I feel like John Coltrane only I am super white and not particularly talented. Still no job, but finding a way to drink every night. Miss you! P.S. When you get a sec., send more cash.”

  • pete

    the ambiguously gay duo

  • Kitchen Sink

    “I’ve been here for a month and seen more sunrises than sunsets. You’re gonna need to think about that for it to make sense”

    Think about this guys: If you’re gonna say something (you consider) clever, don’t then point out how clever it is. This is known as “condescending.”

  • Alan Harris

    I like these comments

  • Yeah

    A nice shitpile of hate going on here, and it smacks of envy and loneliness. Why doesn’t everybody just shut the fuck up and worry about their own lives? Warren and Dion are cool cats who have more fun and who pull far more top-shelf women than any of you internet cunts can ever imagine, and who gives a shit if they’re enjoying their time in the capital of the world? Shut the fuck up already.

  • ad

    As a New York surfer I find this more offensive then the bum sitting next to me on the subway. I’ll read this again once they actually talk about NY surfing…

  • mike

    is it cool to be gay now?

  • Uhhhh…

    pretty good shit… Also kinda gay…

  • yank

    This is why dane is the man….

  • grady

    Holy Moly. This is great. Not the blog. This response option. Who knew a silly surf magazine’s online website could bring together such a diverse crowd of characters. We got art critics, homophobes, and english teachers. We even got a rape victim! Are you fucking serious? A rape victim? Get out. You cant make this stuff up. Pure gold. So many SWA’s(surfers with attitude). Thanks for the good read people.

  • Karl

    @Yeah – Shit dude, I forgot that rule where “cats” who “pull” hot chicks are above critique. You must LOVE Kanye West, Mel Gibson & Ryan Seacrest. Those guys get LAID!

    But you do make one solid point… “…who gives a shit…”

  • Ray

    ING feels compelled to be on the cutting edge with pictures of men kissing. It’s called baiting (readers to comment). All the people that made comments did not consider the angle of ING’s dangle.

  • Stu-cifer

    I wish photos were included with these comments as I’m sure the amount of flowered baggies and pu’ka shell necklaces would be mind boggling. So a couple of bi-curious dudes who get paid to travel the world and score perfect waves year round decide to take a few months off to appreciate music, art, culture and pussy in the epi-center of the world, who gives a faaak. Best part is I would almost gurantee a few of these posts were actually written by them. Keep your minds narrow, surf or die, and shakas.

  • I reckon

    These comments reek of wasted youths and curmudgeonly regret, of lives lived wrongly out of fear. Jealousy is the ugliest of things. Go do what you truly want to do, instead of e-hating those who are unafraid to. Or don’t — you will soon be dead and the regret will end that way, I am sure.

  • Confused…

    If all criticism is a reflection of “regret,” “jealousy” or “loneliness,” is it still possible to just think something is dumb or at least WAY out of place, without ulterior implications? What if I think a movie sucks…do I wish I had made it? What if I don’t like a celebrity…am I just jealous he’s wealthy? And how is an online forum any more or less anonymous than most forms of criticism? A letter in Surfing doesn’t come with the sender’s home phone number. And who cares anyway? Is the implication that these people can’t “back it up?” With what…a fistfight of some sort? The splendor of the internet, is that you DON’T know who’s saying what, therefore they’re only merit what you READ. Speculating is silly…this is the essence of blind equality.

    And you know, sometimes people just don’t like something (in this case, that mediocre splash of unimaginative doodee up top)…and that’s just the way it is. So suck my balls.

  • I’m fine as hell

    these 2 peeps are so nauseous and obtuse. they reek of yesteryears drug problems in the same vein as someones veins that stink really bad. jungle concrete my asshole you turds. you need to be setting the bar with a 40 foot high arial instead of the bar that lives at the gaybar. Whose calling you in that one photo Warren? It was my friend Francis. we got your ass. And grow up Dion. you look like a child whose been abused by a bunch of

  • get fuk’d

    卐卍卐卍LIVE卍卐THE卍卐DREAM卍卐卍卐††††††卐卍卐卍LIFE卐卍IS卐卍A卐HIGHWAY卐卍

  • get fuk’d

    hi. bi?

  • Bamagram

    hi. bi?

  • Bamagram

    卐卍卐LIVE卐THE卍DREAM卐卍卐卍卐卍卐卍卐卍卐卍卐卍LIFE卐IS卍A卐HIGHWAY卍卐卍卐

  • Joseph Limberg

    pre·ten·tious/priˈtenCHəs/
    Adjective: Attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed.

    I happen to think Billy Ray Cyrus was a great country musician. Def not pretenious. Warren is a superstar.

  • j

    faaack i’d be in nyc with my best mate taking photos, crushing chicks and ripping lines for summer! keep it coming boys.

  • Tell me now!

    If you don’t like, why do you comment? Or more to the point, why are you here?

  • dave

    a/s/l?

  • Chodes

    cool stuff, warrens funny, make him do more stuff for you surfing mag

  • Ethan Smith

    Kewl

  • Kitchen Sink

    two things:

    1.) Attn: Moderator…SWASTIKAS! Swastikas are not that cool.

    2.) This article is labeled as “Vol. 1″ aka “more to come.” This is gonna get AWESOME.

  • mike

    I can’t wait till all these wanna be hipster people get out of surfing. Too pretentious….I just think its lame and sooner or later not just these two clowns but every other little wanna be surfer hipster/modern collective homo will grow up and be totally embarrassed about trying to portray such an image….immature…..we should try to figure out what the next fad in surfing style will be….

  • jewdian

    AIDS is hip

  • Bro

    Mike

    Obviously you feel threatened that these hipsters are cooler than you are. Why can’t you be comfortable with yourself and appreciate the diversity that they bring to surfing culture. I’m sure they don’t give four fucks about your plain fat boring ass. These guys and MC live a lifestyle that is cooler than you can/would ever hope to be. It’s not a fad. It’s a lifestyle. These guys have skills, style, class and creativity beyond your wildest fucking dreams. And you are the one who should get out of surfing. The Modern Collective surfers are the best surfers in the world. When was the last time YOU did a Kerrupt flip? So shut the fuck up and stick your tail between your legs you internet surfing fag.

  • me

    ING is just trying to be STAB!

  • buks

    whoa, comments are intense. just let them live.

  • Joseph Limberg

    surfing is not just an art, it is a way of life. These two young inspiring bi-sexual surf connoisseurs have lost all grip on what the ancient haiwians tried create, to be one with your board and one with nature. As some of you implied these two narcissistic fashionistas are trying to change a lifestyle into some hollywood indie flick. Think of the old days when you would find a glistling puka shell and add it to your hemp necklace. When waves were the only thing scrambling through your brain like an Adams Family pinball machine. I’ll leave you with one final thought. Surfing is very much like making love. It always feels good, no matter how many times you’ve done it.

  • felipe arias

    wow some haters out there……surfers can suck there own dick….
    there so umbearable…
    dion and warren are living it… fuck you fuckin jock
    whinnie surfers….go wax your boards and pretend
    your in some competition you jocks..! hahahaha….

  • Joseph Limberg

    p.s. hail fukin Satan white power

  • Derek minor

    I know warrens gay. We shuttle docked one time.

  • jamie

    please stop comparing the way surfers dress to modern collective. they do not have a fucking influence on anyone over the age of 19. dusty-jordy-yadin, they all dress in their normal sponsor provided clothes. that is about 2/3 of modern collective. ease up on the retard throttle people

  • Gerard T.

    Allow me to sum up all of the above comments thusly:

    SURFERS CANNOT SPELL and they do not know the difference between their/they’re/there and your/you’re (apparently unemployed contractors are rarely men of letters).

    “But they can surf better than you” is at a stalemate with “that’s gay.” Personally, I would rather surf like an epileptic turkey than fake-the-funk in Manhattan in skinny jeans and a summer beanie. But hey, I guess someone has to take mediocre snaps of the most photographed city on Earth.

    Either A.) There is no moderator in this forum or B.) Nazi iconography is kosher with Surfing. I should have known something was up when they kept raving about how Marlon Lipke was “das best.”

    Also, J.Limberg… that’s one dime-thin disguise.

    eat da poopoo

  • beelzebub

    i’m cuming out in sept james. let’s get naked!

  • Krak Hed

    Perhaps I’m in the minority, but most of the crack dens I’ve known don’t serve red wine. And you’d be ill-advised to hang out bare foot in ‘em. But still, your time in the city looks SO ROMANTIC! Have a great time suppressing your bro-guilt but remember, you’re really just surfers and always will be. The City will never be your home.

  • too homo

    why are cornholers the main theme of this feature?

  • smugged

    hey YEAH… you shut the fuk up..poser fagboy..what you like men?, men in beatnik lame outfits taking lame pics of a City nobody cares about..THIS IS A SURFING website…lets see some…talking crap on crap talkers…you’re a weirdo..and probably ride a sponge in speedos on a flat day…

  • Gay Ripper

    Face it you Neanderthal kooks. Dion and Warren are COOLER than YOU. And they RIP HARDER than YOU!!!!!

  • Pingback: New York Noise Vol. 3: Extreme!!! in Montauk | JAQ News

  • Ben Lucas

    Right on guys! Tear those gay boys a new one. How dare those faggys attempt to be pretentiously pretentious. Or whatever you said. I’m with ad on this one. Offensive shit. I’m offended. More offended than I was before I looked at this. Or Erinn, I mean geeze, really? I wanna know who came up with the title of this article. So I can punch them in the face. For you Erinn. How dare they. Jeff is right kids, take those god damned flannels off and put on a tank top for good god awful sakes. Maybe a pair of shorts too. I’m sweating looking at you. Above all, Yank really has got the right idea here. Where the hell is Dane? He is the man. I’m going to go look up some Dane youtube videos right quick.

    p.s.- Somebody tell these boys to keep it on Facebook. Where it belongs. Right Kris?

  • loko 4

    warren and dion are rad

  • Hetty

    Slam dunkin like Shaquille O’Neal, if he wrote ifonrmtaive articles.

  • Benton

    I’m performing a little something of the same interest and will be having be aware about this .Thank you.

  • Angela

    Warren I love your boots and I must know where you got them. Pretty please?

  • Anthony

    I Have warrens exact boots. lol they are just an old pair of 70′s military chukka’s ebay has some. ill post a pick if you want

  • Anthony

    wait annie?

  • Anthony

    sweeeeetyyy

  • Melissa

    Dane Patto / DC team rider????? Think you got your wires crossed a bit there Wok. The kid has been spnesorod by Quiksilver since the age of 9 and still is .. or can’t you mention that because his main sponsors conflict with yours??? Ha Ha.. If you gonna report on the guy at least do it accurately.. Over up!