The Real Chas Smith

posted by / Blogs, Editorial / January 27, 2011

Out of Office Reply is Associate Editor Taylor Paul’s column on surf travel, big waves, and other manly bits

 

When we went wine tasting, the attendant lagged a bit, so Chas helped himself. Our host was visibly agitated when he returned, but was soon charmed by Chas’ fabulousness.

 

Out of Office Reply

I don’t want to disappoint you. I know how much you hate Chas Smith, so I’m not going to bother you with my honest opinion of the guy. Can you imagine how bored you’d be if you learned that Chas is actually awesome? Exclamation points and all! SURFING’s traffic and comments would slow. All the drama gone. Like learning the school bully cried during Up. Well, I’m not taking that away from us. Chas is awful.

Me and super-hip Charlie Smith have road tripped up the California coast for a story (no surfers or photogs — I know, right?) about mixing my big-wave cold-blooded shoestring-traveler corest of the core (ever heard of Maverick’s?) vibe with Chas’ homo vibe. He might actually be gay. Yeah, he’s got his wife’s signature (Circe Wallace, the Ari Gold of snow/skate) tatted on his neck, but I think it’s a front. Like how Ke$ha uses the synthesizer to hide her whiny “we R who we RRR” voice. Eff, I’ve regressed to Ke$ha similes. We’ve been listening to top-40 sounds non-stop cannot stop. 9.03 to 102.7 to 103.3 to 102.5 to 92.7 (The Revolution). Chas knows all of the lame words to all of the lame songs and sings them without shame. Get some f–cking shame, man.

You should see his behavior in public — dry-humping a resting elephant seal at a state park we didn’t pay to enter. And in private — spitting out Brut champagne at my parents’ house in Santa Cruz, demanding Veuve Clicquot after my mom proposed a toast “to our son and his new friend.”

 

After waffles at my parent’s house, we drove north to this little gem.

 

Chas and his new buddy, who later joined me in the lineup.

 

The haughty f–k is sitting next to me right now. He’s wearing his vintage 1971 Rolex, slicked blond hair and Yves Saint Laurents propped up next to the fire in our suite in Sonoma. So smug. His propensity to consume will ruin us all. Chas is the worst. Welp, off to the hot tub! —Taylor Paul

 

Chas, hatching a plan to take over the surf world. Or just online shopping.

 

The entrance to the luxurious Kenwood Inn and Spa.

 

It looks like a pool, but it's a hot tub.

 

Taylor Paul is SURFING’s Associate Editor. He wrote the Fergal Smith profile in this month’s Europe Issue and is currently in a car or a lineup somewhere along Highway 1 with Chas Smith.

 

 

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  • Slasher

    He sure looks queer

  • Jeff

    Brilliant. In so many ways. Love it.

  • sam

    Like Lewis before him, Chas will fall away soon. Back to Westwood young man.

  • Dennis

    Dude, you can ALMOST write. And judging by snapshot #2, you can ALMOST get tubed.

    Keep trying! :-)

  • What?

    He dry humped an elephant seal?! Couldn’t agree with Jeff more. He’s “brilliant”, I “love it”. Almost as good as Charles in Charge…who was that guy again?

  • What?

    Oh yeah, one more thing. It’s not very cliche to have your Jiu Jitsu club sticker on your computer either. Nobody does that, especially not where Chas visited. By the way, if he was more core than he already is, he would have stood in front of that beast, and found out his club moves wouldn’t work. Mind the gap next time, you big traveler, you…

  • yeah guy

    “Chas and his new buddy, who later joined me in the lineup.” – i hoping that this was going to read; “Chas and his new buddy, who later joined US in the lineup.”… but i cant say that i am surprised, chas probably walked around scratching his head, trying to figure out what dirty shirt he was going to wear later that day as he disrespects taylor’s family, in their own home, and all the while taylor surfed. then taylor fell victim to façade and with taylor’s own words, taylor too, made a fool of himself.

    taylor and travis and the rest, it is too late, you all are well behind the pied piper and misery loves company.

  • What?

    Stop sayin he’s gay, too. That’s lame. Your just feeding it…

  • What?

    since I’m bored and waiting to watch my movie, nice head dip, and I wish you could have poured yourself a real glass of that stuff. Guess the mag can’t really afford a pour, or your parents are getting pissed about you wasting the money of theirs.

  • What?

    I thought I was done, but really, no star tat that we can see in the photos?

  • cash

    On-yo, tomorrow. hope I get pitted or do the first legit kick flip. hittin on dudes..hard

  • Jerry Curl

    Nice sleeve, dillhole. Very original.

  • Barry

    So glad chas now has Taylor the enforcer to give him extra street cred. wow bitching sleeve man, didn’t know bisexual dorks went in for those these days.

  • DussTinn

    This man…this article…this editorial administration…are lunging so hard for something unique/distinct but simply saying “look how unique we are” isn’t much of a concept, and the execution is even worse. As they say, show don’t tell. Honestly…when you can longer distinguish between irony and post-irony, odds are you’ve lost the plot.

    Here’s an idea for TP and/or Chas: Start a pastiche blog combining MP3/Youtube posts (Glass Tiger rules LOL!!!!) and random found images (a bunny doing coke!!!!) to which you might assign witty captions. Judging by the writing/ideas above, you’ll likely muster some buzz with the sophomore set.

  • Jerry Curl

    In all seriousness, what is the point of this? Do you actually WANT to piss your readers off? I guess tv shows like Jerry Springer and Maury Povich and Jersey Shore get ratings, but they get ZERO respect. Is that what’s it’s come to for Surfing? You’ll do ANYTHING just to get readers, even if it’s just piss them off so they will write in to let you know they’re still out there? That’s low, bottom feeding stuff. I guess that’s why you’re basically GIVING AWAY your magazine now. I canceled my subscription, but when I renewed Surfer, I got your magazine for free now. Please stop wasting paper; wasting people’s cyberspace is bad enough.

  • Slasher

    Chas – go be a faggot fairy ballerina in Kansas and stop making surfers look bad.

  • yes

    Taylor, why would you hang out with a man who insults your own parents?

  • His Dudeness

    I dig Chas’ posts, but that sleeve tat is so “Affliction”. Every Tap Out sporting, energy drink slamming douche tough guy at my gym is sporting a sweet sleeve tat.

  • dave

    some people just like tattoos? douchebag

  • statsgavnar

    I just turned to reading Surfing magazine. I am from Russia. Can anyone tell me this Chas, who he is?

  • Death

    Chas is a fucking homo who likes other men

  • More Wave, Less Reacharounds

    Maybe next time Chas and Taylor go on a road trip they can show some more waves and save the Reach-a-round fest for the Vanity Fair article. Could care less where you drank wine but would love to see more shots (landmarks missing) from that stretch of coast.

    Don’t worry, I don’t expect it and frankly I’m surprised Taylor could get Chas to leave the oh so fabulous Hollywood crowd. He must have some nifty handwork.

  • thatguy

    Mick was right. He is a jew.

  • Mik

    how much hate could a hater hate, if a hater could hate hate? I join the Chas in aloofly enjoying the venom he inspires, over nothing… hilarious. a free spirit hired to hurl his stylistic pen at the narrow mindedness of general surf consumption…

    btw: let’s not destroy Mick for throwing an equal dose of hilarity back at. he’s cool, as we all are. in our own inimitable styles and biases. there’s room for everything in the surf universe as long as no one is carrying guns (without fins)….

  • Anonny

    Doubt the homoness re: Chas. Have you seen his wife?? Super sexy with a smokin’ body. And she’s a bad-ass snow boarder. (Lucky bastard)