Baby, Take it Off! is Chas Smith’s column. “Surfing is so totally awesome sexy!” says Chas.
All the indignation. All the self-righteous indignation over Sunny Garcia and Jeremy Flores and fighting and etc. All the pharisaic umbrage. The pietistic rage. Well, damn you online surf world for not recognizing pure beauty, for it was right there, splashing and then choking out and then getting fined and/or banned from competition under Australia’s summer sun. Multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, multi-generational beauty!
The scene painted itself clearly, but apparently not clearly enough for those with Cheeto-stained fingers softened by years of rubbing computer keys and flipping through Boethius’ Consolation of Philosophy. Jeremy Flores was surfing Burleigh with Sunny Garcia’s son. There were some words in the water. Everyone paddled to shore. Sunny strangled a man and punched his face.
Is the glory not readily apparent? Here we have a petite Frenchman sticking up for a young Hawaiian in Australian waters. We have the Hawaiian’s father, a Mexican-Hawaiian, sweeping in to dish a punishment neither his 16-year-old son nor the petite Frenchman could dish. Even before this whole story takes place we have a father traveling with his son. Multi-ethnic, multi-cultural, multi-generational amazing!
And furthermore, what punishment! What entertainment! Our surf world would be as boring as synchronized swimming without the likes of Sunny Garcia. Tattoo’d rage. Tax-evading awesome. It would be as bland as Good Morning America without the likes of the small fiery Frenchman. Gaulish gall. Autograph-evading awesome.
God bless Sunny Garcia, Jeremy Flores and all of Sunny Garcia’s offspring. God damn all who disagree.
Chas Smith is on Twitter @chasdoesntsurf and writes regularly for the magazine.