Our new and glorious competitive future.
At some point in our magnificent history, professional surfing turned into a gentleman’s game. Non-professional surfing, in the lineup at Steamer Lane or even Swamis, is still a dog-eat-dog battle. Getting burned means swears and maybe slaps. But professional surfing is back pats and post-heat interviews where one professional, the winner, congratulates Mother Nature and his competition. “Joel surfed amazing and I am thankful I made it through.” The other professional, the loser, also congratulates his competition, leaving Mother Nature out of it. “Taj was surfing in form today. He was surfing really good.”
I am so tired! I am just about ready to fall asleep! My blanket is warm and my eyes are heavy! It is all so dull. So boring. We haven’t had a bloody rivalry since Andy Irons and Kelly Slater and bloody rivalries elevate sport. Bloody rivalries are why I watch.
Thankfully, Mother Nature has seen my plight and given me two blonde bombshells. One has a Hawaiian name that means “mischievous,” but he is so not Hawaiian. He is all the good looking, all the glory of Southern California. The other is named after the most mainland of celebrities, John Kennedy, but is Hawaiian to the core. Kolohe vs. John John will save professional surfing.
And I don’t care if they like each other. I don’t care if Kolohe thinks John John charges the barrel fearlessly and I don’t care if John John thinks Kolohe makes beautiful airs. I need their rivalry. I need them to hate each other. And so, from here on out, they hate each other. Loathe. Here are the new facts.
When Kolohe wakes up in the morning the first thing he sees is a picture of John John, winning the Triple Crown, by his bedside. In front of this picture is a small, blonde, Hawaiian doll and Kolohe sticks pins right in the doll’s dick before he eats breakfast. And then Kolohe goes to a sports psychologist and she helps him to visualize bad things happening to John John. Like him getting eaten by a shark. And when Kolohe goes to competitions, in the competitors’ area, he has Shane Beschen, Dino and Mike Parsons hold him back so he doesn’t claw John John’s face off. And in the water he tries to embarrass him. And during the post- heat interview, en lieu of thanking Mother Nature, he says, “I hate John John Florence.”
When John John wakes up in the morning he thinks about all the money Kolohe is making with his blue chip sponsors. He thinks about Red Bull and Nike and Target. He really pictures each dime going into Kolohe’s bank account and starts to burn. And he goes and gets barreled, still thinking of all that money, and he eats his poi and spam musubi, still thinking of all that money and also how overrated Kolohe is. And in the competitors’ area he spits on the ground any time he sees Kolohe. And in the water he tries to make him look like a sissy. And during the post-heat interview, en lieu of complimenting Joel, he says, “I hate Kolohe Andino.”
Kolohe hates John John. John John hates Kolohe. That is now fact. And this season is going to be the best ever. I am so awake! —Chas Smith