2012 Triple Crown Predictions: Haleiwa

posted by / News / November 14, 2012

Haleiwa. Photo: Jimmicane
Haleiwa. Photo: Jimmicane

Rhodochrosite is a rare gemstone that is basically unidentifiable by anyone besides a professional geologist. And if surfing’s Triple Crown is truly made up of three jewels, Haleiwa is rhodochrosite. It lives in the shadows of its sisters, Pipe and Sunset, and is commonly despised or ignored. After John John’s dazzling backside airs at Haleiwa last year, it’s a wonder if people will even recall that the wave is a right. But it is, and a wonky one at that. Here’s what will happen as surfers fight to navigate the lumps, humps, bumps and menacing toilet bowl end-section of Haleiwa.

Relatively unknown Brazilian Felipe Toledo will utilize his dark skin to convince everyone that he’s from an outer Hawaiian Island. Kaho’olawe, perhaps. He will reap the benefits of the piercing “HOOO!” call-off during heats and vocally rampage his way into the quarterfinals.

Kala Alexander and Thom Pringle will become business partners and make $100,000 by selling friendship bracelets at the contest site. Thom will use his artistic abilities to weave the bracelets and Kala will use his big scary muscles to help people decide that they want to purchase one.

Dane Reynolds will exhibit his Winter Teeth line. The only recognizable difference will be that the neck beard will now be thicker to accommodate the cold of winter.

During the semi-final, a cryptic vessel will appear on the distant horizon. By finals time, it will no longer be so cryptic. Laird Hamilton, godlike on his S.U.P., will arrive at the contest on his daily paddle over from Kauai. Aussie Garret Parkes, known for his purposefully unkempt look, will be unfamiliar with a scent as profound as Laird’s Davidoff cologne. The fumes will spook the young man and annihilate his glory run into defeat.

Paul Fisher will show up for the Clash Of The Legends heat, only to be met with dismay. They’ll tell him that he’s not in the event, and he’ll tell them they ought to be more specific next year. Only legends Sunny Garcia, Tom Curren, Kaipo Jaquias and Mark Occhilupo have been invited.


The Reef Hawaiian Pro runs Nov. 12-24

Watch all the action Live here: http://vanstriplecrownofsurfing.com/reefhawaiianpro2012
And click here for the Heat Draw: http://www.pro-surfing.com/alhunt/files/2012evt39.pdf

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  • wyatt

    I notice these “comedy” pieces have no specific attribution.

    I think that’s wise.

  • Sliding Sense

    My knee jerk reaction is that I want to knock the authors teeth out. My inner moke is naturally coming out. Why is some kook writing about the North Shore in this manner? Paddle out at maxing pipe and shut your mouth.

  • blows

    you guys are seriously dead last on the magazine and website front. Re-design this hideous piece of shit asap.

  • matt

    I like this guy Wyatt. He’s funnier than the author of the article. Without even trying to be.

  • Frank

    What the hell is this article even about

  • jon

    You guys should hire Wyatt.

  • fat guy tents

    sliding sense, you mad bro?

  • matt

    I think it’s rad that Surfing Mag is giving jobs to special needs people.

  • barnesy

    Is this the Baby Cobras kid? Hope so.

  • Stingray

    Not only was that hilarious, but I learned about geology… Stop taking surfing so serious

  • Norcal

    The Lane sucks, Haleiwa sucks…it all sucks now! Whats the world turning to, man? No relevance at all on the tour any more?!? Just keep telling people it sucks, please…

  • wadupbro

    Do Thom Pringle and Kala Alexander even know each other?