The Barkzilian Storm Dominates American Dogs on Home Soil

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Four paws, long tail, and a whole lotta nerve. Frame grab: Reuters.

I’m angrier than a Little League coach.

There I was, minding my business, having a perfectly mediocre day, and then I catch a whiff of this article, featuring a canine surf competition in Huntington Beach, CA. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for dogs surfing. So long as they’re safe and happy, I think dogs should be able to do anything they want. We would have a dog for president if it were up to me. But the takeaway from this fierce K9 etravaganza was almost too much for me to handle.

As the video shows, and the story states, a Brazilian labrador Bonno (sp.) claimed top prize at the eighth annual Surf City Surf Dog Competition.

You mean to tell me that some Brazilian woofer flew his ass from Rio to compete against the American dogs on our own home turf… and won? What is this, the WSL? They even flew the goddamn Brazilian flag as he hit the beach. Ugh!

Listen, I’m a huge proponent of the Brazilian Storm. Gabby, Filipe, Italo, Wiggoly — love them all. I think they bring passion and intrigue and controversy to a sport that can oftentimes be quite bland and WASPy. But to take on our dogs, Brazil? Our last source of consistent goodness in a country plagued by immeasurable malpractice? For this I cannot stand.

In America, our dogs are our pride, our family, our benchmark for righteousness. For you to come here and embarrass our best friends is downright malicious. So go home, cães. The Barkzilian Storm is over.

Don’t make me put an invisible fence around the border. -Michael Ciaramella