CEO of People’s Hearts

posted by / News / November 9, 2011

ceoPhoto: Lawrence

Brodie Carr resigned as the CEO of the ASP today. His official statement reads, “It is my duty to accept responsibility for the recent calculation error that resulted in the premature crowning of Kelly Slater’s 11th ASP World Title. The determination of the ASP World Title is the most important moment in professional surfing. Ultimately, the responsibility for every activity within ASP lies with me. Therefore, I have elected to resign my position as CEO.”

He reigned over the six most exciting years in professional surfing.

I first met him in Europe after poking fun of his clothing. And then we arm wrestled. This was my ode.

I stumble into my hotel room drunk and in love. My right shoulder is sore. Aching. And I am in love. With a man. With a strong man. His skin is clean and his pores are tight. Tanned to the perfect hue enhanced by the baby blue t-shirts he always wears. His nails are manicured. His hair cut at a proper salon, not one of those fly by night jobs where immigrants fumble about with dull scissors.

He may have a taste for younger women but I don’t care. I love him.

His name is Brodie Carr.

Brodie Carr. Say it loud and there’s music playing. Say it soft and it’s almost like praying. Brodie Carr.

I have spent the last few weeks in Europe poking fun of Brodie Carr. I have said things about him that were meant to sting. About his inappropriate sweater selection and his poor choice of footwear. And if I could take back every single one of those barbs I would. Except the ones about his inappropriate sweater selection. And also the ones about his poor choice of footwear.

Over the course of the world tour’s European leg we had become sworn enemies. He of the evil ASP. Me of the hated Stab. He the CEO with his (well-manicured) hand so firmly around the neck of surfing. Squeezing the very lifeblood out of it. Me the writer who doesn’t know what the word “integrity” means. Or “journalistic.”

And like enemies we glared at each other from across the different event sites. At Mundaka, Supertubos, The Wall and Lagido. Dagger filled glances.

But then a striking Brit named Paul Evans suggested we arm wrestle. Settle our differences the way Sly Stallone settled his. I scoffed and figured Mr. Big Shot CEO candy-stripped Brodie Carr would be too chicken. Would be scared to dance with the devil. But he agreed.

We were to meet at the hotel Soliel Peniche bar that night. Ten PM sharp.

And so I went to the bar. Thinking he wouldn’t show. But at five minutes after ten there he was in a black leather jacket that somehow had a hood. Or maybe he was wearing a black sweatshirt underneath his leather jacket. In any case, he had a hood on and came bouncing in, like a prize-fighter. Punching the air with those (well-manicured) fists and shouting my name. CHAS SMITH! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER!

I sat my beer down, stood up and said, “Brodie Carr, I curse the day you were born.”

We stood nose to nose, staring into each other’s eyes. He is tall. I am tall. He is blonde, I am blonde. He has blue eyes. I have blue eyes. His are bluer. Neither of us flinched. I smelled his Gucci pour Homme II. He smelled my Yves St. Laurent. For men.

Then we broke. I moved behind the bar, he stayed on the customer side. And we locked right hands. Still staring. Still blonde. The bar tender became skittish. Fearful. “Please gentlemen, please no!” But this death dance was on. A crowd had gathered. Tim Fisher meekly whispered, “Get ‘em tiger.” I was hoping he was on my side. I was hoping that “tiger” was me. I needed someone. My investment banker was here, sure. She had left work early and come up to Peniche. But she is an investment banker and follows sound financial instinct. Her money was on Brodie Carr. Did I mention how broad his back is? How big his arms are?

Our hands locked like to vices. Dane Sharp checked our elbows, our positioning.

And then someone shouted, “GO!” Our muscles tensed. Neither of us giving a full burst yet. Frozen. I felt my face flush. I felt the veins bulge on my neck. I could see his veins bulge as well. We continued staring into each other’s red eyes. A bead of sweat popped on his brow. Spittle curdled in the corner of my mouth. Frozen. The gathering crowd may have been roaring. I will never know. Because as our arms pulled. As our synapses fired, I began to fall in love.

Who is this Brodie Carr, anyway? He has nice skin. His teeth are really white. He smells nice. His hand feels nice. Look at those nails. How often does he get a manicure? I bet he has good money and lives a decent life. I wonder if he has a girlfriend? If he doesn’t he probably scores loads of chicks. I wonder what works better for him, with chicks, being a CEO or being part of the ASP? I wonder if he has ever met a chick who knew what the ASP was? His Australian accent is warm. He looks really good in baby blue. It enhances his natural tan. Has the ASP really destroyed surfing? I bet not. I bet all the people who think the ASP is corporate bullshit also toke marijuana cigarettes and speak about rebellion like it is still possible. Maybe the ASP is to the far political right just like me. Maybe it is a club for well-dressed pretentious white people, like me. Why don’t I like the ASP again? Why don’t I love Brodie Carr?

And then my shoulder started to weaken. My wrist began to feel that I was arm wrestling a man who doesn’t smoke. In 30 seconds it would be over. My arm lay on the bar, defeated. Brodie let out a joyous “whoop!” slapped my back and ordered me a beer.

He asked me the next morning, “A little stiff, are ya?” And I looked deeply into his bluest eyes and said, “Yes.”

The End.

When The Princess of Wales, Lady Di, divorced the Prince of Wales she lost her title but she became the queen of people’s hearts. Brodie will always be the CEO of ours.

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  • op

    great story dude

  • fart face

    That was seriously funny and enjoyable to read. Whens the book coming out man?

    cue the arm chair large gut idiot brigade in 3, 2, 1…

  • Matt OBrien

    fun fun fun… but what/who will replace Brodie Carr as ASP CEO? Inquiring Minds want to know…

  • Rusty Steele

    I’ve heard that Brodie was asked to resign due to some ‘photos’ that have surfaced involving a couple of pigs. That really sucks.

  • Chongo

    Well written Chasie. Well written indeed.

  • squiddy

    I will be running for CEO of the ASP. I will be successful. I will rule the surfing world next year.

  • SteveO

    seppuku!

  • johnny

    Its about time, the ASP could use some new leadership.

  • FL

    F-up dude, So did ripcurl, nice sound problems!! both times, Well at least the triple crown is coming after the double crown!!What if owen blow off the next heat, thinking he lost it, law suit..

  • Ben

    What?! The six most exciting years in professional surfing? WHAT? Remember 2003, AI and Slater in the best title race ever, perfect surf all year? Last I checked that was eight years ago, but perhaps you had something else in mind?

  • shit

    .. not suprising you lost, loser! but on a side note it would be great if jo turdpel could resign as well, this douch make marv albert sound like opra fucking winfree!!! honestly get rid of fucking jo turpel and surfing will be better for it!!!

  • Mik

    Ch-azzz. Great writers take us someplace. This took me there. Grazi. Brodie has class. He will be missed. But name and form I guess…. He went hard, and spun out?

  • lips on a moisturized teabag

    all this is lame.
    this guy was a mental midget…can’t add past the hundreds spot I guess…. take some 5th grade math courses brodie

  • 1FromTheCheapSeats

    I hear RKS11 may have some free time coming up starting about mid-December.
    And if Brodie F’ed up pro surfing then what resposibility for that does the athelte surfer rep’s and the surfers them selves take for it it as well since they have a vote a voice?
    And, most importantly, why do I always feel kinda icky, slimy and creeped-out after reading CS’s web post’s?

  • Jeff

    Chas I usually hate everything that you puke onto the page, but today you’ve made a new fan. Great story…. Wait, am I actually hope Medina wins the title next year? Holy shit…

  • Sliding Sense

    Poof.

  • david p

    what a stupid article…..i feel sorry for Brodie cos he had to step into Rabbits unfillable shoes….Rabbit changed the tour from wavepools to Gland and Tavarua…..get that sh+t back on the tour….here’s the proof: how many of you watched this years cHopes event? it was all time amazing etc…how many people struggled through the brazil event, or the huntington prime, or all of france, or junky snapper etc etc….same surfers in every event, but its the waves that get you excited….watching the worlds best in junk surf is like watching tyson fight evander but both dudes have to wear blindfolds and stay sat down….ie boring….the tour should be a dream tour that avaerage joe surfers like me dream of getting on

  • fresh linens

    can you stop wasting your time writing and just go do something else in life. i just clicked on this to read about carr, and instead i read “your writing” and this is completely useless… no need for fiction, but reporting. get to the point next time with facts, not your lame opinion. im sure you are one of those socal tattoo types that considers themselves “apart of something more than the collective”. well, you’re wrong. you are filling up space in a world that doesn’t care about how you describe it.

  • Christian Fletcher

    I stumble into my hotel room drunk and in love. My right shoulder is sore. Aching. And I am in love. With a man.
    WTF WHEN DID SURFING MAG TURN INTO A GAY ROMANCE NOVEL?

  • ChasSmithMakesMePuke

    Chas Smith go suck chode you fake poser. You don’t even surf. And you look like that weird looking priest from The Exorcist.

  • New Tour

    I’m still dreaming of a dream tour… Next year?? Let’s change it up again for the better. Lets Have Shea Lopez take over and get these guys in some good surf.

  • Jennifer

    what you need is a romance novel contract and a dildo “chas smith” get the hell out of here

  • the1%

    chas smith is the best thing in surfing aside from the wavejet.

  • Adam

    Surfing? is the mag turnin into a bunch of pussies or what??? this article is talkin about manicured hands, manPerfume, Fashion, and other sissy shit??… this article is flat out emberassing! PLEASE!!! im not gonna hate on ChasSmith for being a bitch?… im sure Cosmopolitan or some chick mag would love his work… but fuck SURFING? step it up!!!

  • Ben

    Chas Smith Rorschach test: Card I, response I: Um, I see me. Card I, response II: Um, me again. Response III: Me, ‘cept I’m wearing Givenchy cologne. Does it make my butt look big? Card II, response I: (Clears throat) Me, me me me me me me. Response II: A menage a moi. III: French cigarettes. Held in my left hand. IV: What begins with “M” and ends with me? And so it goes…

  • tim

    That is a ridiculous article. There is nothing about Brodie Carr in it except the implication (and the writer’s hope) that he may want to get in the sack with the “writer”.

  • yeahguy

    Hey everyone… no needs to look the Surfing Magazine website anymore… all the same crap is over on STAB, the exact same thing…

    http://www.stabmag.com/elliot/chas-smiths-ode-to-brodie-carr

  • http://www.honhai007.com.tw 海外抓姦

    His “affair”is a pain in your heart foreverAffair eventsAlthough the pieces of your heart,Although you love him, he does not value you,Although you pay so much, but did not return,

  • el

    Haaaa! Ben, you made my night!