I Helped The Internet Troll JetBlue

Got your back, John.

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John John Florence recently flew with US-based airline JetBlue. The flight went well. Everything was smooth — not too much turbulence to speak of, very few babies crying, the circulated air never got too hot nor too cold. But while John was enjoying a mile-high bag of Terra chips, JetBlue personel commandeered a freight train and repeatedly ran over his boardbag with it. Then they told John that it wasn’t their problem.

John, by the way, had paid $500 in luggage fees to get his boards on that flight. He was frustrated, and so he took that frustration to Instagram.

As per norm, his 420K followers responded in a very understanding, level-headed way. And by that I mean they went over to the @jetblue Instagram page and went fucking crazy.

Usually, I like to be part of the solution, not the problem. But this was too tempting. It all looked so fun! The blindly hurling of insults at some soulless collection of pretty pixels, the visions of a social media team consisting of some confused graduate from a fancy school or a collection confused graduate from fancy schools that started a PR firm… How could I not indulge? I commented on their six most recent photos.

JetBlue is owned and operated by Joseph Kony.
JetBlue made It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia stop being so funny.
JetBlue is largely responsible for climate change.
JetBlue makes off-color jokes about the Holocaust.
JetBlue has a tiny penis.
JetBlue eats alone at Perkins on Christmas day.

Not my best work but I had a short amount of time and eh, it’ll do. Have you yelled at them yet? If not, give it a go. It’s strangely satisfying.

As an aside, if anybody from JetBlue reads this, here’s what you do to fix everything:

-Send me eight bottles of your in-flight red wine offering.
-Make that nine.
-Give John John a plane. I saw View From A Blue Moon last night and learned that John has his pilot’s license. You probably have a bunch of planes, just fucking give him one.
-Let boardbags fly for free forever.
-Actually, just start making board bags.
-Then t-shirts to sell in surf shops.
-Pants, boardies, beanies, everything.
-Compete with VISSLA.
-Cancel all flights because American Airlines is beating you anyway.
-Advertise with SURFING Magazine.

And just like that, this whole fiasco is behind you. It’s either that or you enjoy your Christmas dinner at Perkins, bitch. —Brendan Buckley