Reporting from the final day of the Hurley Pro, for your consideration. Notice any similarities
By Stuart Cornuelle
SURFER: [Joel's] dream scenario – completely implausible at any other contest in the world apart from this one – involved five heats having to be restarted from a lack of waves, meaning the 5pm Trestles contest curfew would arrive without the semi finals having been run and the points having to be split. [...] Parko’s voodoo dolls worked early, with the two surfers immediately behind him in the ratings – CJ Hobgood and Adriano De Souza – both losing.
STAB: Parko’s team told me that Parko was doing the math as to how many restarts it would take through the day before Hurley would be unable to run the finals. In the end, Parko had no need to worry. His voodoo dolls worked; CJ lost first, Adriano soon after.
SURFER: The night of Surfer Poll – Tuesday night from memory – a text had gone out to competitors informing them the contest wouldn’t run the next day. It was the first time any of the competitors could remember a call being made the night before. Sure enough, the combined drinking power of 2000 punters in the Anaheim Grove was enough to ensure the following day was, as one local assessed, “the best day at Trestles in the last two weeks.”
STAB: The rest of the boys agreed – noting it had been the best day at Trestles in three weeks. But Surfline had forecast Wednesday as a likely lay day, so event organizers took the unusual step of calling the event off the night before – giving the boys a chance to cut loose at the Surfer Poll without worry of hangovers deciding heats. Calling an event off the night before, instead of based on a morning check, is nearly unprecedented.
SURFING: It was a little boring. “This is like watching slugs race,” said Kai Barger.
STAB: Pro surfing is insufferably boring. We’re all sitting there in the afternoon sun, watching paint dry.
SURFING: Mick did carves and tailslides, like a man who’s read and memorized ASP Heats For Dummies. The 2004 edition. He was predictably amazing, but in the presence of the Great Dane, that’s like longboarding.
STAB: Dane is now. Dane is surfing. Literally. Dane = Surfing. While Mick tic-tac paddy whacks with his usual flawless, assembly line approach.
SURFING: The surfing trend-mafia have a real existential crisis on their hands with this one.
STAB: …existential crises infecting the ranks like a dank plague.
And so, the truth finally comes out. There’s one guy who single-handedly does all the magazines’ surf writing by himself from his condo in Florida. His name is Barry, I think.