Jack And Alana Sitting In A Tree

posted by / News / February 22, 2013

Jack And Alana Sitting In A Tree
Photo: @alanarblanchard

The surf industry is one big fat high school. We’ve got jocks, emos, nerds, cool kids and even some creep named Kelly Slater who keeps getting older while his prey stays the same age. There are wild parties and every once in a 12-pack of Blue Moon, a perfect couple is born.

Recently, two of the most popular kids — Alana Blanchard and Jack Freestone — started dating. And while some of the world is chanting, “Pow-er coup-le, pow-er coup-le!” I think that it is the worst thing since grab-rail floaters. This couple is not right. It is opposites that attract and Jack and Alana are four fins in a quad. They are too individually angelic to ever operate as one. When two halos come together, there is no binding friction. There is no Heitor-Alves-pull-a-rodeo-flip-to-beat-Kolohe-at-Lowers X-factor. There is no spark. And when there is no spark, there will certainly be no fire.

Instead, Alana should date a fat aging ASP judge. The two could walk together, hand in hand, and confuse every single person that they cross paths with. “How on earth did he manage to…?” And Jack, he should date a homely chick from Florida. He could vacation there and surf Sebastian Inlet. And Melbourne Beach would think “Why the f—k is Jack Freestone surfing Sebastian Inlet?” Because the best kind of love is the love that confuses the rest of the world.

Furthermore, I dare Gabriel Medina and Carissa Moore to procreate. I encourage Gabriel to plan a picnic with Carissa on a lay day during the Quiksilver and Roxy Pro, complete with gooey cheese quesadillas and fresh milk doused with Hershey’s chocolate syrup — because superbabies are best conceived under a burnoose of romance. The kin of G and C would be more than just a hybrid; it would be an electric Hummer. Carissa permanent smile minced with Gabriel’s ruthless ruthlessness. It would be handsome, tan and talented, and the child would go on to win more world titles than anyone ever. Meanwhile, if Jack and Alana were to procreate, their X-factorless child would merely become another gaudy web commentator. And that is the last thing we need.

What we do need, however, is for John John to put out a new web clip. That’d be nice to talk about. – Brendan Buckley

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36 Responses to “Jack And Alana Sitting In A Tree”

  1. Jimmy Provalone says:

    In other news, Surfing Magazine continues to publish garbage.

  2. Alana's bottom says:

    There may be no spark, but there sure is some saaaaaawwwweeeeeet pussy to lick! :D

  3. brazi dan says:

    shes just too much sand fornhis little truck…

  4. Wan says:

    Word, glad to see the mag covering with such cutting edge news stories.

  5. Whogives says:

    Wow. Are we in High School? Who GIves a F? These spoiled kids mean nothing. For you to pay them any mind shows whats important to you.

  6. IsosceleseTiangle says:

    Meanwhile, and despite showing promise as an apiring writer, vast swaths of your home state and N.Y. / L.I. still lay in ruins and you still need a Jon Jon clip and something to talk about other than this… teeny bopper tripe?
    I think I just threw-up in my mouth.
    You have a high profile media vehicle to help make a difference in some very desperate and in need peoples lives, you should really try using it a bit more often ( posting a Shore Stories video doesn’t count ) unless you’ve gone Cali on us already.
    Out of sight, out of mind, Jersey Strong my ass ….

    ps – thanks for the dig at Florida while you were at it. What? They’re all 10′s out in LaLa Land ?

  7. Vitor says:

    Best article about this ridiculous surfing gossip!

  8. chillidog says:

    what do you have against grab-rail floaters?!

  9. Charles says:

    Wow. So is Surfing trying to move into the realm of tabloids like People and US magazine? Even if this article was written in jest, it’s still pointless.

  10. Andrew says:

    She would date the biggest d-bag in surfing……

  11. masniffur says:

    you droids have a sense of humor of a turd….why so serious?

  12. ballsacks says:

    You old farts suck. Everyone of you that is actually believing this is a tabloid is a dumbass. It’s supposed to be satirical! Take an f’n joke!

  13. Mike says:

    Buck you’re my favorite writer of all time

  14. rosemary says:

    probably the best article about anything written ever
    love this

  15. Jimmicane says:

    I just love how Eric Geiselman bounced back from the hurt of losing Alana and bagged himself Bree Kleintop. Lesser known and not as hot as Alana, but has to be the most underrated hot surfer chick out there. They have to be the most underrated surfing couple in history.

  16. Jimmy Provalone says:

    Here’s an idea: let’s talk about Brendan Buckley’s relationship (if he is in one). Anyone know anything? Is he married? Girlfriend? Will their child grow up to be a mediocre journalist too? If he’s currently single, let’s discuss why and who he could/should date.

  17. D says:

    Eric Geiselman losing Alana? I thought Alana used to date some local dude on kauai…uhm…Keoni or Keale? Someone said that they were even engaged…

  18. masniffur says:

    maybe they’ll have all girls……is that creepy?

  19. Gordon Miura says:

    The best surf article ever!!!

  20. Stud Muffintop says:

    but but but but Alana said she loved ME! *sniff* She said it with her eyes from a page in a magazine. *sniff* She must have meant it because she would always wiggle that fantastic ass just for me in all her videos. *sniff* …I guess I’m going to have to set her free and if she loves me she’ll return. *sniff*
    …anyways, now where did I put that issue featuring Erica Hosseini?

  21. BoneFish says:

    Complete waste of Cyber Space.

  22. Tupat says:

    Really Jimmy?

  23. Sliding Sense says:

    To Surfing Magazine,

    In the words of Gandhi, “Actions expresses priorities.”

    Where are your priorities these days?

  24. Jimmy Provalone says:

    Tupat, yes of course.

  25. VG says:

    JACK = GOD

  26. plump blumpkin says:

    bla blahhhhh shut up

  27. plump blumpkin says:

    buckley poop

  28. jojo says:

    Telling that this farticle got more comments than the last six months of Surfing Magazine web content combined. Expect more of this in the future. Thanks a lot, Stab.

  29. Tom Gorman says:

    Funny stuff there..who knows why people date who? Who cares also! She is hot,who wouldn’t want some of that anyways..So wish i was sittin where jack was now..well maybe its a match made in Heaven or Hell,but thats up to them…

  30. dirk diggler says:

    jack freestone… why didn’t i think of that name? creed McTagHer is a good one too… brendan buckley though… i don’t think i get that one. maybe it’s a wristwatch-belt-buckle-esque length innuendo. more like in-her-end-o I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK

  31. Sissy says:

    I thought they were gay. Both. I’m gay, and would never date a chick. Urgh…

  32. mARCUS gARVEY says:

    Brendan Buckley = Failed Pro

    Now writes shite for a living

  33. Meghanz says:

    I love them both and I think they’re perfect together

  34. the dude says:

    This was kinda funny and harmless. Lighten up Francis(s)
    “ruthless ruthlessness” haha

  35. shmee says:

    i wonder what ever happened to all the cute pups and kittens that i’ve been snending jack, i mean alana.. shit

  36. Therealwyatt says:

    This article was written well gave me a laugh ! Jimmicanes comment was right on good for Geiselman scoring Bree Kleintop she’s coming up on Alana fast. Gurfing needs a new hottie!

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