The surf industry is one big fat high school. We’ve got jocks, emos, nerds, cool kids and even some creep named Kelly Slater who keeps getting older while his prey stays the same age. There are wild parties and every once in a 12-pack of Blue Moon, a perfect couple is born.
Recently, two of the most popular kids — Alana Blanchard and Jack Freestone — started dating. And while some of the world is chanting, “Pow-er coup-le, pow-er coup-le!” I think that it is the worst thing since grab-rail floaters. This couple is not right. It is opposites that attract and Jack and Alana are four fins in a quad. They are too individually angelic to ever operate as one. When two halos come together, there is no binding friction. There is no Heitor-Alves-pull-a-rodeo-flip-to-beat-Kolohe-at-Lowers X-factor. There is no spark. And when there is no spark, there will certainly be no fire.
Instead, Alana should date a fat aging ASP judge. The two could walk together, hand in hand, and confuse every single person that they cross paths with. “How on earth did he manage to…?” And Jack, he should date a homely chick from Florida. He could vacation there and surf Sebastian Inlet. And Melbourne Beach would think “Why the f—k is Jack Freestone surfing Sebastian Inlet?” Because the best kind of love is the love that confuses the rest of the world.
Furthermore, I dare Gabriel Medina and Carissa Moore to procreate. I encourage Gabriel to plan a picnic with Carissa on a lay day during the Quiksilver and Roxy Pro, complete with gooey cheese quesadillas and fresh milk doused with Hershey’s chocolate syrup — because superbabies are best conceived under a burnoose of romance. The kin of G and C would be more than just a hybrid; it would be an electric Hummer. Carissa permanent smile minced with Gabriel’s ruthless ruthlessness. It would be handsome, tan and talented, and the child would go on to win more world titles than anyone ever. Meanwhile, if Jack and Alana were to procreate, their X-factorless child would merely become another gaudy web commentator. And that is the last thing we need.
What we do need, however, is for John John to put out a new web clip. That’d be nice to talk about. — Brendan Buckley