Jimmicane’s Passion Picks: Billabong Pro Tahiti

posted by / News / August 14, 2013


Rip Van Winkle took a nap after the Oakley Pro Bali. And when he awoke, the Billabong Pro Teahupo’o was about to start. Damn it’s been a long break.


Kelly Slater:

Is that image of Kelly standing like Jesus at Cloudbreak out of your mind yet? Mine either. The fact that he got smashed by the lip exiting, then still went on to whip Mick Fanning, is just a testament to how scary this man is in tubes of consequence. Look for the Florida logo, Channel Islands quad to be lifted above Slater’s shining head yet again.


Michel Bourez:

This guy will slay Slater in Huntington Beach, throttle Taj at Snapper Rocks, and freak dance Fanning at Keramas. Meanwhile he’ll bog in Fiji and go down at his own homebreak in Round 2 nearly every year. This unsolved mystery is begging for resolution.

I think he either breaks the curse now or will be forever mind-fucked at his home event. Michel needs to hope for solid swell because threading small tubes on his backhand seems to haunt him. There’s no one I’d rather see win though. Imagine how Laird HAMilton everyone would go for him. It’d be beautiful.


Josh Kerr:

When did he become so sneaky dangerous at Chopes? There’s no condition the dude won’t excel in. Big, small, choppy, clean… Can you think of a surfer who’s improved his overall game late in a career more than Kerrzy? I cannot.

I was thinking about picking Julian because he’s been over there with Raimana on a Red Bull trip priming himself in the pigdog position, but Kerr is just too damn consistent.


John Florence:

This pick is automatic. Seriously, who doesn’t have John on their team for Tahiti? If you don’t, you’re living on a prayer that will not be answered. Not even by Bon Jovi.


Fred Patacchia:

It seems like Fred always finds a way onto my teams. It’s for a combination of reasons: he’s cheap, badass, has made the final here before, and just purely doesn’t give a shit about who he matches up against. Freddy P feels like he should beat everyone. Take note groms; that attitude fucking works. I also predict he’ll take the Hinano consumption title yet again — an honor he defends yearly in Tahiti. The guy verts.


Damien Hobgood:

It’s make or break time for Damo. He’s sitting 57th on the World Rankings. 57th! As in one spot above Garrett Parkes. How embarrassing!

After arguably getting screwed in Fiji (opinion shared with multiple World Tour surfers), this event carries an intense amount of pressure for Damien. Can he block the noise and claw out a big result? My guess is yes. Damien has suffered some tough losses in 2013, but one thing is fact: it hasn’t been for lack of good surfing. He’s has given it some serious hell in every heat, yet hasn’t found a result. At Chopes, Damo’s due.

Sidenote: Recently scored multiple sessions out at Greenbush and put on a clinic for the next Joe G movie, Strange Rumblings. He’s tuned up.


Tiago Pires:

This is my YOLO pick of the event. I’ve never selected Tiago before, but Owen Wright got hurt so it’s between him and Alan Riou. The last time I saw Alan Riou surf was the first Young Guns and it wasn’t impressive. Probably the reason he went MIA for a decade before finally resurfacing during the worst trials conditions in recent memory. Ah, what the hell… I’ll roll with Tiago.


Anthony Walsh:

No place turns out a success ratio for wildcards like Tahiti and no non-Tahitian has spent more time in the tube here than Anthony Walsh. The bigger it is, the better.


Who not to pick:

This new addition was a hit for the Oakley Pro Bali. Maybe I can’t always guess who will do well, but I sure did a great job forecasting who would bomb out of the last event. Here’s some dudes stuck in the valley, in bad need of assistance from a higher power:

Filipe Toledo:

Have you ever seen this kid get a backside tube? Don’t worry, I’ll wait…

He reminds me of a Mexican jumping bean on a surfboard. Might be ready to stick the craziest air ever done at any given moment, but Teahupo’o will likely fly swat his dome straight into the lagoon.

Gabriel Medina:

Is this merely a sophomore slump or should Brazil start to panic? A couple months ago the girls in Rio would cry from simply making eye contact with Gabe. Guys would jujitsu snap your neck if you even slightly doubted him. Mid way through the year, he only has one result (at home) and the crying role has flipped scripts.

Bede Durbidge:

He did good work in Huntington and I was psyched for him — but I sure ain’t throwing him on my fantasy team for Tahiti.

Jordy Smith and Taj Burrow:

These are two expensive, high seeds that reek of risk. It would be great to see Jordy steal a result here and keep himself in the World Title talk, but odds are against it.

Taj obviously has the talent to do well, but you could argue half the tour has an advantage on him here.


Other questions:

Will this be the event that brings Nat Young off Cloud 9?

Will Seabass’ injured foot still be nagging him? He looked crippled during an Uppers session two weeks ago.

Can Brett Simpson surprise us all again the way he did two years ago?

Kolohe seems to have improved in backside barrels and also went down early for the Red Bull trip. Did Raimana pass along some of his platinum chi?

What surfer are we underestimating? Who’s going to put on a tube-riding clinic and show off a new found mastery?

Lastly, can we have some bombing south swell please? This event sucks balls when we’re stuck watching 20-minute lulls for head high tubes.

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  • http://Justincabo@hotmail.com Justin

    I like how this is getting to be like a real fantasy sport. Good analogy jimicane. Keep it up. Go jags!

  • Kaipo Gomes

    Have to give you huge props when you deserve it. This is AWESOME. GREAT job with “who not to pick” and “other questions”. In a so-called Industry when someone calls it like it really is they should be saluted. You nailed it with Jordy and Taj. For Taj Tahiti is possibly the main reason he will never win a World Title. The same for Jordy. These 2 need to win contests not just heats so all you haters get over yourselves and read the truth. For this pick Jimicane you rule! Huge props. Keep this up and don’t listen to any of the haters that don’t know the inside scoop.

  • Kris

    Ace is due for a big showing and long overdue for a win…

  • manbearpig

    I really like the who not pick section. these are getting better every time. But when referring to whose improved themselves late in their career most the answer is not Kerr even though I really like him. The answer is Kelly. Go look at that surfing in momentum and then go look at the last few years of highlights. BIG jump in surfing

  • Brett Barley

    You nailed this! Best one yet…. I kinda want to hop on this Fantasy Surfer train now

  • Kevin

    What about Mick!?

  • Mik

    Taj, I think, has one of the best backhand attacks on Tour… As good as Kelly’s and Nat’s. It was maybe a bit better when he was on FireWires, but I see him and Nat Young on equal footing, and in the finals…

    Beyond that, I am hoping that Kai Otton wins, because he can, and he needs to.

    Yeah I know: John John

    that’s the rad thing. talent is beyond measure now.

  • lowers loc

    i just landed in europe nigga,
    shopin bags im a tourist nigga

  • RT

    Nice work. Thats my team except for Tiago. Went with Kai instead.

  • Matt O’Brien

    Puop will surprise the masses. Same for Kolohe, they both have something to prove. I also think that Nathan Hedge will shock the aquasocks off some folks. Looking forward to the show. Oh yeah, Patrick G is due for some.

  • It’sOnlyAParkingLotWang…

    You can have Chas / Playboy crap, I’ll take Jimmi-Picks any day of the year over that artificial circle jerk.
    Somewhere Derek Hinds smiles…

  • jay z

    @lowers loc knows whats up

  • theduder

    this was excellent analysis. would read again

  • Jimmicane

    Not really used to hearing much positive feedback. Wow. Feels weird. Glad some people liked it. Thanks!

    I probably should’ve factored in the small conditions and changed up a couple picks and I wish the ASP had a legit way of letting us know the injury status of surfers cause I had no clue Tiago would pull out. Kinda bullshit.

    There should be an injury report like in the NFL. Doubtful, Questionable, Probable… with a list of what injury they have next to it. Is that so hard to do ASP?

  • Anyone

    Not so fast Jimmicane.

    Pattachia has been… well I could stop there. Note to groms, don’t copy Fred’s career path.

    Lets keep this simple. Expect Mick, Joel, Kelly and Florence to entertain the lucky quarterfinalists. Same as always.

    Kris with a K makes a great point. No one will remember Ace Buchan after this contest. Where did he finish in Keramas? No one knows without a heat sheet. Expect less this time.

    And Jimmicane is going out on a limb and stabbing for a relavent goofy foot to add to his roster… one of the Hobgoods is trotted out… again. Two men who surf well in anything, especially left tubes. Ok, so add them to the usual suspects and we have two spots open for the quarters…

    Medina is driven and knows this contest represents a second half of the tour that he has already dominated.

    And NFL injury reports are possibly the most deceptive information you would ever read. The ASP has a hard enough time adding up title points and filming live action.

  • Anyone


    The ASP abdicated a core responsibility, owning its own events. As a result, the clothing companies are responsible for not filming live action over beach scenes or vapid interviews.

    Maybe the NFL should consider just showing highlights punctuated by commercials?

    The clothing corps have a different motive than surfing.

    Maybe the ASP does owe “fantasy leagues” an injury report because it is essentially doing very little. What other professional sport is owned by its sponsors?

    In Rabbit we trusted.

    Fantasy sports are for guys that should be surfing.

  • Jimmicane

    To Anyone: A couple quick points…
    -Freddy P smoked his heat today.
    -I pick whoever the hell I want on these and clearly don’t care about actually winning fantasy. I picked Gabe Kling in each event he surfed on tour, picked only Brazilians for the Rio Pro and I hate fantasy football.
    -You’re wrong about the NFL Injury Report Policy. There’s percentages attached to the status of players days before the game. If teams fuck around even a little bit, they get taxed 20k.
    -I don’t doubt Medina but he’s fun to heckle. Look at that pic of him crying.
    -You are right about the ASP. Changes are coming though.
    -BTW, watch Filipe try to get barreled on his first wave. It’s hilarious.

  • Rob B

    oooops, 7.5 backhand barrel for filipe

  • Anyone

    one heat doesn’t not make someone remember an invisible career Jimmicane.

    I still can’t believe Dave Kling won Lowers, you musta cashed in big.

    teams do “fuck around” each and every week. the league offices cannot come down too hard because it would be essentially admitting to enabling gambling. thats why the term “game time decision” is so popular.

    Medina is hungry…. and the only goofy foot with a shot. Maybe thats your next story Jimmicane, where is the next occy? Could Nat Young be the best of em? this tour needs Bobby so bad.

    waiting for the ASP to change is like asking the tea party to make sense… its being paid not to.

  • ItsOnlyAParkingLotWang

    Gabe Kling.
    The name is Gabe Kling.
    Regardless of where he or Jimmy or you hail from, if you’re going to vigoriously pontificate, prognosticate and second guess anybody Anyone, ( and I’m cool with all that if you come off as knowledgable and take some pride in your on-line debating ) at least have the most basic fact correct, the person you are discussing’s name right.
    Otherwise anything you have to say is very hard to be taken seriously when you come off sounding way less than intelligent in the arena you are arguing in.
    I’m with you on Rab though, tis’ a pity that …

  • anyone

    Sometimes comedic lisence is required to extract the nuances of any observation… layered in sarcasm.

    A Lowers king shrouded in disbelief, your Gabe won a contest that was touted as the air show without ever lifting off.

    So I call him Dave intentionally.

    And please spell my name with a lower case ‘a’ if you want to be taken seriously.

    As for me, I live everywhere and nowhere IOAPLW. Florida produces WCT surfers much more prolificly than Orange County, even though the corporate stooges of the velcro valley control the world.

    That my friend is called Irony.

  • Kaipo Gomes

    Jimmicane, props to you for having the balls to go out there on that limb and make a fucking call. Not just who you picked to win or be on your fantasy team but more importantly who NOT TO PICK. UN-fucking real. Awesome. In this world of pussy shot calllers and Bro Brahs and back slappers you have the balls to NOT PICK Tay and the current flavor of the season, Jordy Smith. How right you were. With the threat of Billabong, giving ING shit for this with Taj, props to you on that one. As for Jordy all the so-called experts picked Jordy and nearly gave him the crown for this contest. Oh no they forgot one thing……..he had to actually surf the contest. He FUCKING FAILED AT CHOPES AGAIN. Say what to his World Title run? Once again Slater rose to the Final and you picked him. Why are all you Jordy swallowers so keen on giving him the win before Round 3 is over? That goes for Bali, Fiji and now Tahiti. Give it a rest and now look to Jimmicane as someone with a finger more on the pulse than the webcast wankers. Fuck off with your “form of the contest” quotes and bullshit with Jordy. HE WON’T WIN THE TITLE!!!!!!! Have some balls and call it like it is. Like Jimmicane. Keep up the great calls Jimmcane. I am now a fan. I’ve got your back.

  • anyone


    if you brine for two days, then season with thyme, oregano and olive oil overnight, then grill over kiawe wood slowly, even CROW can be edible.

    I enjoyed mine last night after Mr Invisible made that ridiculous drop into the back door and put Slater on the ropes.

    Now you know why I don’t bet the NFL.

    good on you jimmicane

  • Jimmicane

    Hell of an event. Let’s all take a second to thank the surfers for revolting against letting Billabong scrap this event like they did to Jbay a couple years ago. Teahupo’o can have it’s shitty years but it just needs to be on tour forever.

    Ace Buchan is an awesome guy and I’m stoked for the dude. Wouldn’t ever expect him to scalp John, Mick, Kelly in a row but holy shit, he did it. Who else in this world can say they have a perfect record against Slater in finals of WCTs? Crazy.

    I did not see the Kai Otton storm brewing. Some of you did (Mik and RT). That was a surprise. I’m normally disgusted by his surfing but he knows the barrel frontside and was on fire out there.

    Will Julian threaten for a world title someday? The guy is as well rounded as they come. Impressed by his performance out there.

    Already thinking about who will blow up at Lowers. It’s gonna be a heater. I’ll be down there watching for a week before the comp to let you guys know who’s looking the best in freesurfs.

  • Bernardo

    I think a brazilian guy bang Jimmi`s mother in front of him,