Of Course Kelly Slater Saved A Baby At Waimea Yesterday

Kelly Baby

It has been reported, by both click-horny websites and sound waves across Oahu, that Kelly Slater saved the life of an infant at Waimea Bay yesterday. This is how the story goes:

-Kelly wakes up, maybe makes a smoothie
-Kelly checks the surf
-Kelly sees that Waimea Bay is big enough to kill Paul Bunyan
Hey, let’s paddle out
-Kelly gets denied
-Kelly paddles in
-Kelly saves the life of a small child that was somehow getting swept across a road by an oversized wave
-Instagram

That’s from West Oz photographer Chris White. To save you from sorting through the comments, I’ve copied Kelly’s reply:

@chris.whitey thank you! I didn’t look at it that way but for some random reason I stopped there when I normally don’t and happened to be there. Lifeguards were on it either way and had it handled. So glad all is well and we can (someday) laugh about it. Van’s first wave was a huge one! Definitely a WA baby!

Now, is this a feel-good moment? Sure. But a story? Absolutely not.

People are walking around acting like this is the first time Kelly Slater ever saved a baby. Ummm hello. It’s Kelly Slater. He’s out there saving babies 24-7. Probably saves 6 or 7 a day. The Bible writers are lucky that Kelly didn’t live back in their day because he would’ve pulled Moses out of that river and then they would’ve needed to regroup and commission a guy named Karl to part the Red Sea. He would’ve thrown off the whole flow of the Old Testament and probably banged the Pamela Anderson of 1300 BC while he was at it. Slaters gonna Slate.

So yeah, Kelly saved a baby. The sky is blue. Water is wet. Donald Trump is running for president.

Wait, Donald Trump is running for president? Fuck. —Brendan Buckley