Sketch by Hans Johansen.
Surfers have a bit of an unspoken bond.
And sure, that’s easy to make fun of. See the Kenny Powers we’re all part of the tribe clip for example. But when push comes to shove and especially when that shove comes from a wave and all of the sudden your face is hitting the reef and holy shit you’re bleeding everywhere, we all have each other’s backs. And that’s why I’m writing this post.
I don’t know how to put this gently — this is a very, very serious situation. So I’m just going to throw it out there: We have a wild cougar on the loose in the Southern California region and she is trying to take people to Fiji.
The first sighting of the wild, extravagant vacation promising cougar came in the form of an article we published earlier this week entitled The Tinder Surf Trip. To paraphrase, a young gentleman met a not-young lady and she brought him to Tavarua for a few days of fun/to scream at his face. It was a great story. But it’s greatness only stemmed from its presumed rarity.
Hours after it was published, however, it was revealed that the story was far from rare. There was a similar thing happening to someone else. Except it wasn’t similar. It was exactly the same.
Same dating app.
And that, ladies but mostly gentlemen, is why I write this post. There is a wild cougar on the loose and you must take caution. After a long and at times painful conversation with a higher-up at the American Wildlife Association, I have complied a handbook of recommendations for single adult males living in the Southern California region.
How to identify a cougar:
-Breasts that appear to have been built from some sort of ancient and possibly sacred stone.
-An SUV that could be driven by either an upper class family or a high-echelon cocaine dealer. And nothing in between.
-Kind of hot?
-An inexplicable taste for Fiji Water over Smart Water, Voss or any other small bottle of the earth’s most available resource that some marketing asshole somehow convinced the rest of of the world to spend a lot of money on.
What to do if encountered:
-Probably have sex with her.
-Attempt to find happy medium at the junction of her needs and your own.
-Realize that no such medium exists and proceed to get very barreled at Cloudbreak.
Be safe out there, folks.