Some Billionaire Nerd Doesn’t Want You To Surf In Front Of His House

This sub-adult male elephant seal went onto the beach to sniff around a full-adult male human. Both were naked.Vinod Khosla, probably. Photo: Peter Taras (This is what he actually looks like. Note the nose hair…NERD!)

If you are incredibly wealthy, you can own an expensive sports car and go zoooooom and throw logic out the window while speeding up to beet-red lights. You can travel the world on a yacht and sip cocktails made of international spirits and wear short white shorts that make you look like an unoriginal asshole. You can own a house the size of a township and walk on heated floors and cover the walls with fine, soulful art that you will spend the rest of your life under-appreciating. But you cannot own the beach. Not in California, at least.

There has been an ongoing battle between a billionaire Silicon Valley nerd, Vinod Khosla, and pretty much everybody else ever. Your boy V owns a mansion about 10 miles south of Maverick’s and he doesn’t like people hanging out and surfing on the beach it overlooks. Trouble is, neither law nor money can prevent people from doing so. But there are loopholes.

In 2010, Big V decided to put a gate on the road that leads to his house — Martin’s Beach Road in Half Moon Bay — in order to prevent people from accessing the coast. Lawsuits have been ongoing ever since, but it was recently reported that Khosla’s lawyers told the state it would cost $30 Million to re-open the road and that they’d be better off spending taxpayer’s money elsewhere.

Outrage!

Now, it’s probably worth noting that the wave at Martin’s Beach isn’t like Teahupo’o on the takeoff with a wall like J-Bay and an end section like I don’t know, say, the left at Lowers on a good day. Truth is, it’s an average beachbreak. And it wasn’t even very frequently surfed before all this hoopla. But…

Principle!

This here is the land of the free and you can’t tell me where I can and can’t surf just cause you made billions selling mouse pads or whatever. NERD! And does it really surprise you that more folks started showing up after you tried to block it all off? People always want what they can’t have. Do you even psychology bro?

I’d guess not.

Now to fight it, I did what any rational grown adult man would do: I tried finding him on Instagram so that I could heckle him for being a nerd. No luck. So then I tried to find his company’s Instagram, so that I could yell at it for being powered by nerds. Still no luck. I suppose I could take a few days to drive up to Silicon Valley and smash a couple lunch trays out of hands, administer some wedgies, etc, etc. But something about that seems off.

It’s a hard one, but I have a plan. Seven simple steps.

Step 1: Acquire old, beautiful wooden ship. The type Hemingway would’ve dreamt of.
Step 2: Sail it to Half Moon Bay.
Step 3: Anchor at cove in front of his house.
Step 4: Host lunatic, drug-fueled sex party on ship. The men bark like elephant seals and the women howl like timberwolves.
Step 5: He watches, and hears, in disgust while eating crustless egg salad sandwich, classic nerd food.
Step 6: TBD.
Step 7: Martin’s Beach open to public again.

Social justice isn’t easy, but somebody’s gotta do it. —Brendan Buckley