The Rapture of Dane Reynolds

posted by / Heat, News / March 1, 2010

dane-rapture

Dane walks on water in Round 2 of the Quiksilver Pro
By Chas Smith

The Lord pours his wrath on the Gold Coast this morning. Yesterday a tsunami was supposed to wash all the sluts and naughty boys out to sea. It never appeared. So the Lord opened the sky and totally so much rain came down! An old standard! Flood! (even though Snapper Rocks is, in fact, part of Rainbow Bay).

The ASP, fearing no act of God, has the women paddle out at 8:30 am. The rain is driving. On the covered deck, Lisa Andersen, looking almost too beautiful, tells me her favorite surfers to watch are Silvana, Carissa, Coco, Sally and Steph. She tells me that these girls are setting the bar, setting the standard, and good rivalries are starting to percolate. Carissa vs. Coco and Sally vs. Carissa. Lisa Andersen is ravishing.

The rain is pelting. I go for breakfast (smoked salmon and a tall black. Have I already written about the troublesome names they have for coffee here?) and come back to watch Owen Wright’s sister’s barely lose. Owen is supportive, telling her, “good on ya.” And noting that she looked nervous in her heat. He isn’t nervous. He defeated Patrick Gudauskas and Fredrick Patacchia in his first round and can cool his heels until round three which probs won’t run until forever. Wait! Round two is running today! The ASP, shaking an arrogant fist toward heaven, has Taj Burrow and Garret Parkes paddle out just after lunch to start. The rain is cascading.

Taj wins, then C.J. wins, then Bobby Martinez wins (Craig Anderson gets totally robbed), then Damien wins, then Dane pulls on the red singlet.

And the rain stops entirely. The Lord is a fan of Dane Reynolds just like everyone else. A still totally grey and but bone-dry sky illuminates waves that are starting to break perfectly. In color, they are greenish or, like, sea green. In consistency, they are as smooth as Peter Mel’s face because the wind has turned proper.

Dane paddles out to battle Australian rookie Blake Thornton underneath a banner of grace. His each stroke effortless. He is in no hurry. The surf is now, officially, pumping. Razor thin green or sea green lips tossing over into such calm. Walls that appear to run forever. Grace and mercy.

Blake catches one and does some very beautiful wrap around gouges and cutbacks. Dane catches one and does some crazily torqued off the top into a series of somethings ending with a fall. Dane catches another, stalls for the barrel, comes shooting out and slides his fins across another perfect labium. There is a frozen moment at the crescendo. A wave so long and perfect stretching out before him just gagging for it. What will he do? What can he do? Anything! And he does anything ending with a deadly slash.

When Dane slashes it seems as if he is angry. So much wicked quick motion. So much water spraying and moving. It is not normal. He is not normal. Later in the heat he tosses a huge air which doesn’t get landed but who cares, sneaks into tons of barrels, does a 360 and slashes more.

And every wave he catches, the spectators rock back on their heels in anticipation. Grown men breathlessly saying, “Wait, wait, wait, watch this” to their grown counterparts. Spontaneous applause even after botched air attempts. Dane wins with a 17.36.

As soon as his heat is done it starts to sprinkle again. Then pour. These sluts and naughty boys will get theirs yet. But then again, Dane Reynolds might be the one righteous man who saves us all.

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14 Responses to “The Rapture of Dane Reynolds”

  1. Mason says:

    Dear Surfing Magazine,

    Chas is the worst excuse for a surf journalist/writer imaginable. His updates are unreadable, sluts and naughty boys? Pathetic. I know you guys can do better than this…

    MF

  2. truth says:

    shut up guy^ you must be an old fuck. his shit is entertaining. nobody is gona read some stuart cornhole post. Keep on truckin Chas

  3. jojo says:

    i have to agree with mason.
    what happened to the editorial staff at surfing?

    i made the mistake of buying the “vacation” issue, and i have to say,
    it was the single worst issue of any surf mag i’ve ever read,
    and i’ve been reading surf mags for a long time,
    which includes the laughable early issues of transworld.

    seems there’s been a pretty obvious decline in legitimate, articulate, meaningful surf journalism.
    maybe it’s just a natural by-product of marketing to a younger, slightly dumber generation of surf consumers.

    i don’t know, but travis ferre isn’t taking the mag in a good direction.
    bring back evan slater!
    (at least he isn’t a retard.)

  4. MP says:

    We already have Stab magazine to read from idiots who think they write on the fringe. Please don’t lower your standards.

  5. RZ says:

    I agree with Mason. Unreadable and cool it with the Dane worship. He is not Jesus or Allah. Tone down the long winded “I will write a novel” one day shit. It’s a surf contest. Just report on it.

  6. wow says:

    Ok so why are haters on Surfing Magazines website if you don’t like the Magazine? Leave the the site kooks and go read Surfers Journal. This site is not intended for the gray hairs!

  7. RZ says:

    JoJo,
    The fact that you bought the Issue and are not a subscriber explains why you don’t get it. Surfing is not for you bud time to move on.

  8. Derek says:

    Surfing keep up the good work I love the site and the Magazine.

  9. Sam says:

    surfing is the best mag by a mile right now. If you can’t rock and roll, don’t fucking come.

  10. jeff says:

    You don’t have to be a “gray hair” to enjoy a well-crafted article about surfing that makes sense–and is short on the corny “surfer walks on water” metaphors. This shit is just dumb. And the reason we’re here, you clowns, is that not everything on Surfing’s site sucks. This one just happens to.

    The funniest part about it is that this writer is losing his load over Dane in the SECOND ROUND! Where’s the perspective? If Dane wins the contest, Chas Smith’s f**king head will melt.

  11. sooo fake, Donnie Litzsinger

  12. Dude says:

    Dudes bro bras if you have not figured it out yet Surfing Magazines God is Dane!

  13. jose says:

    suck it

  14. Mic says:

    Tracks,

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