These Charming Men

posted by / News / February 25, 2010

charming-men


We’ve landed on the Gold Coast for Stop No. 1.

By Chas Smith

World Tour 2010 is going to be the best world tour ever! Like, way better than last year’s and also way better than Velvet Revolver’s (Scott Weiland needs to give up totally today!).

The Kelly will be really serious about getting number 10. Just think of all the marketing things Quik can do with 10 in 10? It is a marketing gold mine. At least 100x better than Micktory. I used to sometimes hate Kelly because I hate Lance Armstrong and I hate Tiger Woods and I hate Roger Federer. Winning consistently takes a dull personality and all sorts of dull drive. But watching Kelly in person last year changed my opinion. He is jaw-dropping in the water. Like, hits the lip with such glidey linky flow. And awesomely weird on land. He stares and his gorgeous blues look right into your heart. I believe he will surf like a man possessed. I believe each of his heats will inspire.

The Dane and Jordy know what they must do to win this year. They have cut their teeth. Their horns are no longer green. They will win lots, both of them, and when they win it is exciting because Dane surfs crazy and Jordy parties crazy. And Dane is crazy.

The changing format will make everyone scared in the middle of the year. Marco Polo will be scared and so will maybe Kai Otton be. The pressure of falling into WQS oblivion will crush the less than stout. The specter of Newquay England (5 star August 3-8) will haunt.
The new rookies might thrill. Not all of them, of course, but particularly two. Dusty Payne and Tann–, I mean Owen Wright. Both Dusty and Owen have had lots of success surfing against their CT counterparts. Dusty almost won the Triple Crown two years back and Owen defeats Kelly Slater almost always. And these new rookies know how to fly. They all were reared suckling the teat of Momentum (Dusty was 3 when it came out. Owen 1.) Their first moves were air reverses. But they are also brave and ride barrels so good. There is a real chance that this year’s champion is a rookie. But most likely it will be a bald, tanned 38 year old with gorgeous blues.

The judging will reward progression. I refuse to use the expression hi-fi. But hi-fi is totally going to be front and center. Because of the Dane and Jordy, because of the new rookies, because of the rules have changed a little, and because of the old head judge Perry Hatchett got fired. Hi-fi sledding!

The stops are better. Like, Portugal replacing Spain. And they are well-timed. Like, World Cup soccer at the exact same time as Jeffery’s Bay (both in South Africa). The women are more beautiful. The waves will break perfectly. The ASP has a new iPhone application for maximum time wasting. And Surfing Magazine will soon have a new website.

God bless World Tour 2010, God bless low taxes and massive government spending, God bless Jon Kortajarena and God bless me.

Photo: Carey

Photo: Carey

Photo: Lawrence

Photo: Lawrence

Photo: Lawrence

Photo: Lawrence

Photo: Lawrence

Photo: Lawrence

Photo: Carey

Photo: Carey

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  • Sammy

    What do the pro surfers think when they see Chas Smith around? Are they friends or do they hate him, or is it business as usual athlete/media? I wonder what it’s like when they read his story.

    Anyway I am into it, look forward to the contest!

  • GOOEY!

    teninten!
    especially w/o someone in the judges section putting a Hatchet to the one REALLY winning the heat

    I can just see the victory party now at DaKine Diegos!!!!
    Bring it Home Kelly!

  • al-bot

    Is Chas like, a 15 year old, like, girl? My highschool english teacher would’ve fought his poor grammar skills out by the bike racks at 3:30.

  • al-bot

    damn, I just read about Chas. Apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t like his “breezy, refreshing style”.

  • http://www.yankaus.com Mik

    Kai Otton rocks. He is worthy of top 10 status, just needs more of a killer’s instinct. So no count him out, eh? Further, this column is kind of a rip off of the STAB magazine original that drives the Aussie’s mad. good mad / bad mad… mad nonetheless. Kelly deserves our admiration. But don’t forget, Andy is back, and focused, and like everyone, he can do the hi fi thang 2. So to not mention him is like not mentioning the fact that one can only hope that the judging is more fair, and less biased this year. then only will we really see the best year ever.

  • mic

    Nice hype.
    Altough I do have to agree Owen Wright and Dane surf insane.
    Always be where of Kelly espically when the clock is ticking down 39 this year?
    Parko is bleeding for it.
    Mick is the best of them all.
    Prey for surf and let the games begin…

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  • Bob H

    Chas has TOTALLY embraced his inner spaz, and is better for it.

  • Doc Shred

    Worst surf writer I’ve ever read.

  • Jeri Sylvis

    Nice review.

    Another thing, loving the blog layout. I had a similar blog myself before I sold it on at the beginning of last year.