Welcome To Paradise, Now Go To Hell

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Welcome To Paradise, Now Go To Hell

There is a gun to my head. And I have a horrible haircut. I don’t know which is worse, having my head shattered by a bullet or living another moment with this truly awful coiffure en dégradé.

Those are the first three sentences of Chas Smith’s book, Welcome To Paradise, Now Go To Hell. As it proceeds, the book becomes less about lead and more about Hawaii. More specifically, the North Shore of Oahu. You may have heard of it. But how much have you truly heard of it?

Chas Smith thinks not that much. In his own way that we’ve all come to love (or hate), Chas tells all the hushed anecdotes, spills all the forbidden beans. The tagline says the book is a true story of violence, corruption and the soul of surfing. And it is out today.

You can buy yourself a copy here. Or, for the bold of the bunch, you can win a copy. All you have to do is write like Chas Smith. Chas dedicated Welcome To Paradise, Now Go To Hell to the one and only Mick Fanning so we figured it was only right to create an ad-lib about MF’s duel with Kelly. Fill it out and send it to buckley@surfingmagazine.com by the end of the week. Three winners will be chosen on Friday.

We were ________(noun) once, and young. But we have gotten slightly older, slightly less _________(adj) and we have seen many new, ___________ (adj) children come and dazzle us. We have seen John John and ___________(surfer name) and _________ (surfer name) and ___________ (surfer name). They are ________ (adj.) They surf so __________ (adv.) but our heroes are the same. Yes, Mick Fanning and Kelly Slater are the final two _________(noun) standing and their battle will come down to Pipe. The ________ (adj.) Pipe. The ____________ (adj.) Pipe.

Who will win? Katy Perry says _______________(Katy Perry song lyric) but what does Katy Perry know about our heroes? Mick has a commanding lead. He has been ___________(adj) all year long. Kelly, on the other hand, is (a) _______(noun). He is the only Kelly Slater. Kelly ________________ (phrase) Slater on the planet and if anyone can overcome wild odds it is him.

Who will win? Jessica Simpson says ______________(Jessica Simpson song lyric) but what does Jessica Simpson know about competing at Pipe? The_________(adj.) Pipe? Mick may paddle out, feeling better than ever but _________(Hawaiian wildcard) is lurking in his heat and _____________ (sound) Mick is finished. He throws his head back to the sky and yells, “_________________” (Australian saying).
Kelly may paddle out, feeling like a __________(noun) but ____________(Hawaiian wildcard) is hovering on the fringes and ___________(sound) Kelly is done. He glares at the sun and thinks, “_____________” (weird esoteric something).

Who will win? Kelly Clarkson says ____________(Kelly Clarkson song lyric) and maybe Kelly Clarkson has the clue. She competed on American Idol and won. It will be a(n) __________ (adj.) finish no matter what and we will all be on the edge of our ________ (noun).