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Fanning and De Souza Fall, Portugal Rises

Day three at the 2015 Rip Curl Pro Portugal

Back in the day, the Portuguese got some work done. By back in the day I mean, like, 500 years ago, and by work, I mean discovering much of the Known World and being the first to sail around the bottom of Africa (sans GPS). ‘Tween then and now…kind of a slow period minus the production of Cristiano Ronaldo, but goddammit: Portugal’s Back!

Rising up from the ashes of a fallen empire like twin phoenixes, Portugal’s Frederico Morais defeated World No. 1 Mick Fanning and Portugal’s Vasco Ribeiro defeated World No. 2 Adriano de Souza, in Round 3 today. Crowd’s reaction? Apeshit. Like, after all the cheering and whistling and screaming subsided, I saw some fishermen set out in a Zodiac at dusk toward the Dark Continent to Re-Discover something for old times sake. You know, just in case they missed something off Angola.

Indeed, Morais and Ribeiro fucked up Mick and Adriano’s title-runs like a Peniche street on my woman’s stilettos. But what the fuck was my woman running in heels for on cobblestones anyway? Served ya right, Rachel!

Quick criticism: As much yogurt as the guy slings (truck-loads) Frederico Morais throws pizza-dough like a Queen’s Bridge Sicilian. Bring them arms in, homie!?!

Quick praise: You slick Portagees just singlehandedly (x2) ((double-handedly?)) brought the title-race to Pipe. HELLS MUTHERFUCKING YES! Massive obregados, boys!

Guess who’s NOT phased by the recent Wilson-Wright-Fanning-De Souza shutdown? Medina and Toledo.

Indeed, after sending wildcard Mason Ho home in Round 3 today, Filipe Toledo quickly got to work in Round 4 against Simpo and Brother and built a 19-point heat-total in a matter of 3 ½ minutes. Not kidding. Watch the tape. It’s fucked.

Shortly before that heat, Medina fended off a very in-form Caio Ibelli (who alllllmost had Gabs beat) with a CLUTCH backside full-rotation in the dying seconds of the heat.

Both Gabs and Filipe look respectively unstoppable out there and I’d put my Euros on either-or to take the whole shebang this year.

Quick criticism: Indeed Gab’s 9.5-point full-rotation in Round 3 was buzzer-beater judges-porn, but get-the-fuck-outta-here with the claiming before you’ve ridden it out cleanly bullshit. Bad-form, Gabs. Give it a second before ya throw it up, kid.

Quick praise: Way to beat two world champs in one day in front of your home crowd, Frederico. (Guy won Round 4, too)

Keep watching folks, with the heater Frederico’s on right now, he’s got the crowd so wound up Portugal might wage war on Spain to take back the Iberian Peninsula. -Beau Flemister