How To Beat Filipe Toledo

Have you seen Filipe Toledo’s 10 from the 2016 Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast yesterday?

I’m assuming you have. It was broadcasted everywhere and is currently embedded only a few pixels north of here and you’re not stupid, are you? Didn’t think so. Anyway, let’s talk about it.

In this event, and especially on that wave, Filipe looks unbeatable. And not in the uhhh I just need an adjective to put here sense, but in the literal sense. His surfing is seriously some of the best that has ever been done in that type of wave. If he keeps it up, it will be impossible for anybody to win a heat against him. Unbeatable.

But everything is impossible until it’s done. Nelson Mandela said that and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t talking about Jordy winning the World Title. Regardless, the world is an oyster of opportunity and the CT is filled with men who love the low-fat, cholesterol Omega 3 offerings of the shellfish that sometimes holds a pearl and other times is used as a reference point when talking about a very bad vagina. Maybe Filipe is unbeatable until it’s done? I think so. And as chief strategist here at SURFING, here’s what I’d propose to anyone trying to beat him.

Tanner Hendrickson. Photo: Amar Thejas Tanner Hendrickson. Photo: Amar Thejas

Ask Tanner Hendrickson
Tanner beat Filipe when he was unbeatable at the 2015 US Open of Surfing. So he knows. Here’s his Instagram. Whoever draws Filipe in the Quarters here should just slither on into his DMs and maybe refer to him as brah in your opener. It’d take the edge off I think.

Blow in his ear
Slow, but steady. Firm, but not frisky. As everybody knows, you have to aim straight for the canal. Watch the clip above and you’ll see that Lane Stephenson had LeBron James all wrapped up, albeit temporary. On one of my studies in the Alps, my team and I discerned that there’s an approximate two seconds of blowing followed by an approximate three seconds of confusion. That’s the golden ratio for this, 2:3. Write it down and live by it.


Pay the judges
Seriously, how much do you think those guys get paid? I think not a lot. Offer them a slice of that $100K payday and I bet you’ll get yourself a deal. Sure there’s the integrity argument, but if “integrity” and “surf industry” actually went along together I’d probably be doing a story about drugs or the gentrification of Bali or something sleepy like that.

Ladies and gentlemen: Bede Durbidge.Photo: Jimmicane

A medley of surfing that is both stout and exciting in the expected conditions of long, freight-training barrels coupled with a series of tactically-sound decisions including but not limited to: a mastery of the chess match that is the priority system, an excellent wave-selection and sufficient amount of aggression when necessary.
Fuck that. Blow in his ear.

PS – Here are two ways to not beat him.

1) Being Jordy.
2) Doing this.