2012 Coldwater Classic Predictions

- Shares

Having clear expectations is crucial in getting the most out of life. If you go into something without any expectations, you end walking around aimlessly like a 10th grader without an iPhone. You have nothing to look for, nothing to find. With O’neill’s Cold Water Classic a mere dreadlock away, now is the perfect time to mull over some possibilities. Here are five predictions for the Santa Cruz event to help you craft your expectations.


John John Florence, Steamer Lane. Photo: JimmicanePerched like a bird, Jimmicane captures his prey. John John Florence, Steamer Lane. Photo: Jimmicane


1The entire San Francisco Giants team will make an appearance. The World Series champs will still be drunk off champagne and brazen off steroids. Upon watching a heat, they will spit out their chewing tobacco in awe. “Holy shit!” they’ll think, amazed by how not boring surfing is. They will finally understand how mundane baseball really is, and quit. Then they will buy expensive tight jeans and retro boards and regularly surf Ocean Beach. The heat that swayed them? Bede Durbridge vs. Tiago Pires.




Gabriel Medina will release a public statement saying he wasn’t crying in Portugal — it was allergies.



3 A casual night of drinking will turn result in a tragic twist for Wilko’s career. Caught up in a moment, he will eat LSD and inadvertently join a hippie cult. Timothy Leary’s The Psychedelic Experience will become his bible, and he will sell veggie burritos outside The Catalyst on Pacific Avenue to make ends meet.



4Richie Collins will ask everyone, “Hey remember when I won this event?” and nobody will. Except for Dave Stansfield.



5Kelly Slater will pull a move out of his old playbook. Back in ’03, there was a Kentucky Derby of a Kelly/Andy title race as the tour neared Hawaii. Slater, renowned for his mind games, made an “accidental” appearance at the house where AI was staying. This trick got in Andy’s head, yet the maneuver ultimately failed and AI walked away with the title. Still, Kelly will give it another shot. So, in Santa Cruz, he will accidentally show up at Parko’s, John John’s and Mick’s. He’ll lie in bed laughing that night, knowing that he rattled his competitors and earned himself another victory. The story will go viral, but his PR people will cover it up by saying he was simply trick-or-treating. —Brendan Buckley



Editors Note: Comments made by the author regarding the San Francisco Giants do not reflect those of SURFING Magazine as a whole. The Giants are, unequivocally, the best baseball team in the world.