Warren Smith was 25 before he ever took to the drink. Betcha didn’t see that coming from a guy so aggressively alt that he seems sure to be under an influence or two. But no. Warren eschews all drugs save liquor, and even that he takes in moderation. As a man should. Here are the five individuals, living or dead, with whom Warren would drink if given the chance. Barkeep…Another Round!
We wouldn’t drink beer — we’d funnel it. A pink beer bong, baby. Like it was Spring Break ’98. I’d corn row his hair and buy him a henna tattoo. We’d rent a ‘96 Geo Tracker, zip off the top, and just cruuuuuuise the beach. Straight up. We’d end the night at my favorite gay bar, the Fiesta in Panama City, FL, and switch from beer to buttery nipple shots, and talk religion and the cosmos till the sun came up.
Huey P. Newton
Huey P was a badass. He was the co-founder and Minister of Defense of the Black Panther Party in the ‘60s and ‘70s. The Black Panthers fought for civil and self-defense rights for African Americans. They were a key element in the Civil Rights movement and scared the shit out of white folk. They proudly wore black leather jackets, put their fist high in the air and passionately spat out Marxist rhetoric. They carried guns like gangstas. Huey spoke with pizazz and swaggered when he walked. He was killed by a crack head in Oakland. I don’t know what I’d ask him if I had a beer with him; I’d probably just listen.
Adam Smith was a pioneer of economics and is considered the father of capitalism. He wrote a book called The Wealth of Nations in 1776 where the “Invisible Hand” phrase was coined. I would get Adam wasted, record our conversation, write a book, film a movie called “The Invisible Hand” starring Chuck Norris, and make millions off of it. I’d ink a promotional deal with Taco Bell to sell the Adam Smith “EconoMix ‘N’ Match Taco Box” for five bones complete with an “Invisible Hand” clear empty toy box for the kiddies. Made in China.
Trotsky was a Bolshevik revolutionist and a key player in the Russian Revolution in 1917, which eventually led to the communist-run Soviet Union. This is one of the most interesting time periods in history. He was the leader of the Red Army, besties with Lenin, and an enemy and critic of Stalin. He was also the lovable Snowball in George Orwell’s Animal Farm. Trotsky eventually fled Russia to Mexico, where an undercover agent of the secret Russian police, NKVD, under Stalin’s orders, killed his ass with an ice axe to the back of the head. Yeah, freaking ice axe. His stories would be grand, his touch and voice cold and sharp like the axe that killed him, and his first person lessons in history beyond priceless. We’d probably get tanked on vodka.
I’ve followed Hitchens for a while, both his political and atheist work. He’s written many books on many topics, writes for Vanity Fair and Slate — a daunting wordsmith and a master shredder of opponents in debates. YouTube “Christopher Hitchens debate” to watch him tear almost everyone apart. But my drink with him would be a vindictive one, retribution for a missed chance to engage a public intellect. I ran into Hitchens in the airport a few years ago, and slowly gathered up enough courage to talk to the intimidating figure. With sweaty palms, a twitchy tongue and a nervous blank brain, I open up my mouth and farted out some stumbling fumble of stuttering nonsense. The total encounter lasted 20 seconds. I’ve beat myself up ever since. —Warren Smith
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