Anonymity is sacred to the turbulent world of Internet commenting. It allows a person to voice their malicious thoughts without ever having to deal with any hand-slapping repercussions. Most of the time these voices are rude and raspy, as if whirred through the cigarette-stained vocal chords of the devil himself. Commenters say belittling things from an illegitimate position of authority. They parade around sheltered by their anonymity cloak and they haunt with all their might. They are nothing more than spiteful ghosts. And here, we punch them.
“Bobby needs to work on his questions. Before he asks them. Give him some crayons maybe he’ll draw you a picture too. You’re letting him make a fool out of himself but it makes the mag look bad too. I guess the bar has fallen pretty low for surf writing these days.” —Thin on The Bobby Martinez Interviews
Oh, the ballad of a thin man. We are sooo sorry that you didn’t like Bobby’s questions. We promise to make this right. We are going to swoop Dan Rather from CBS and hire him as our staff interviewer. Danny’s hard-hitting style is exactly what the game has been missing. And, if you want, we can send Bobby some crayons and have him draw a caricature of you and Dan Rather hanging out on a boat. It’s the least we could do to thank you for saving surfing.
“What a shit vid. Bunch of fkn idiots with a collective iq of 12” —Cyrus Ward on Chris Ward + Matt King + Mason Ho // Cabo San Lucas // 12:03
When I picture Cyrus, I think of a portly, brown-haired man with a permanent scowl. He’s wearing a deep blue jacket with matching trousers that are supported by a utility belt. Every step he takes is filled with arrogance. He’s got Mickey Mouse in a headlock and his hair is a little bit damp because he’s just got done permanently shutting down a water park. His cap — not even made by Brixton — matches his outfit and he wears a badge that touts he’s the sergeant of the fun police. Yeah… Cyrus.
“it’s too bad SHES GOT NO ASS. That thing is flat. Get some junk!” —backside on Anastasia Ashley // Twerk City // 1:33