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Craig Anderson and Travis Logie, just back from G-Land. PHOTO: MyersCraig Anderson and Travis Logie, just back from G-Land. PHOTO: Myers

If you’re not shooting a massive laser-beam smoke machine night-surfing campaign in Bali right now, you probably should be

Words and photos by Nathan Myers

“It’s pretty heavy when you’re sitting in the lineup trying to talk to your mate and there’s a helicopter about to take your head off.”

Craig Anderson pretty much sums it up. Bali’s not the new North Shore, it’s the new Godzilla movie. Epic — except for the giant evil robots trying to destroy you.

Craig just got back from G-Land, where Quiksilver took the break over with all 25 international team riders (all except Dane and Kelly, whose idea it was) and another 50 people in production crew, including a few Jet Skis, boats, helicopter, high-speed Phantom cameras, a remote control helicopter with a 7D mounted to it and the famed Brain Farm Cinema marketing machine.

The Queekend climaxed with snowboarder Travis Rice doing 3 a.m. naked backflips off a table under a ceiling fan onto a slippery wet floor speckled with broken glass, then running off into the jungle with a spear fishing gun to kill himself a wild boar. “Check please!”

Welcome to Bali-wood. Please don’t come here. The entire island is currently roped off for massive surf-stuffed marketing-bomb surf-o-rama. Here’s a glance at this week’s production schedule:

-Nike 6.0 just spent almost a million dollars shooting smoke-machine laser beam night surfing at Keramas. Remember when Keramas used to be like some kind of secret code word? Looked like Vegas last week.

-Hurley’s got scaffolding and $80,000 film projectors out at Canggu to shoot night surfing boardshorts campaigns with Mob, Yadin and Simpo. “This was dreamed up in an office,” said Hurley’s Pat O’Connell the next morning. “We’re pulling the plug.”

-Billabong’s cruising round with a 40-person catalog-shooting entourage including AI, TB, Parko and a dozen or so cameramen. “Pretty heavy rocking up like that.” said Taj when it was all mostly almost sort of over. “I’d rather just turn in my shit.”

-Rip Curl’s team is staying outta sight and out to sea, with the Indies Trader booked for the full season, shooting everything from Sumbawa to Sumatra.

-Globe is at a former secret spot with 15 naked models painted purple with filmmaker Joe G. filming Hobgoods through a pile-up of tangled magenta babe-flesh. No one’s really sure how it all came out, since Joe G. shot it all on film.

Night shoots. Laser beams. Model mobs. This is how we sell boardshorts while the World Tour is on a hiatus. Giant robots, just smashing the place.

The rest of the world is surely empty right now, but nobody cares ’cause the Indian Ocean just got punched in the face by Mike Tyson and now the freesurfing WQS world tour of surf porn is group-sneaking off to a secret spot on the North Coast of Bali called Desert Point that no one is allowed to mention. So SHHHHHH don’t tell everyone and I’ll see you there. Bring your tripod. And a laser beam.

Bali's so crowded, Ando slit his wrist. PHOTO: MyersBali’s so crowded, Ando slit his wrist. PHOTO: Myers

Hurley delegates Tom Aiello (filmer) and Rob Machado (hair farmer) do their best to satisfy a chips-n-salsa craving. PHOTO: MyersHurley delegates Tom Aiello (filmer) and Rob Machado (hair farmer) do their best to satisfy a chips-n-salsa craving. PHOTO: Myers

Pick your production — Bali-wood is just barely behind Hollywood with its DVD releases. PHOTO: Myers

Bali ForecastYes, it’s this good.