They say that actions speak louder than words, but you know what’s louder than actions? Your ’98 4Runner’s stock 6×9’s. The very same speakers most likely blaring a reflection of your personality upon your entry into your home break’s carpark. Yep, you know you do it – In, fact we all do. And so why not poke a little fun at ourselves? Perhaps one of the following eight new tracks sums up your surf persona. If so, no shame — turn it up. —Peter Taras
1. Heems, “Jawn Cage”:
You’re originally from Florida but have moved to “The O.C.” for a graphic design internship with a local eco-friendly wetsuit startup. You come to work with your hair wet claiming how tubed you got at Creek but they all know you boogie. Which is fine, just come out already! You feverishly check Surfline to see if there’s any south in the water while simultaneously trolling Stab to see if Charlie456 had a comeback for your burn on “The Best Reef Breaks in the United States.”
2. Prince Innocence, “I Don’t Care (Remix feat. Kilo Kish)”:
You fooled that girl with your Aussie accent — but Julie didn’t care. Telling girls you’re sponsored by the Mad Hueys works every time, ay? You’re always claiming injuries so your super narrow DHD works well as a shade prop for nursing a hangover. Your friends might want to have an intervention with you. They miss your power gouge.
3. Father John Misty, “True Affection”:
“I don’t know what’s colder, this New Jersey winter or my heart. I told you me and Sara broke up right?” Out of the water you’re all thrills, spills and beers, but once you hit the water you start staring off into the ocean, rambling about your ex-girlfriend while sitting a good 50 yards outside of the pack. You ride a 5’10” Christenson egg and have amazing style, but you’re more focused on your hand placement than your lippers. You write articles for free for The Inertia when not pouring lattes at Starbucks.
4. Mattson 2, “Peaks of Yew”:
You disappear for weeks at a time. “It was OK, I dunno, I got a couple.” You modest f–ker… You barely speak of surf. Slipping in and out of the United States you won’t tell us why or where. All we know is all those reef cuts and staph infections ain’t from your local spot. You shape all your own boards. Mostly longer gun-types, 6’6”s to 9’0”s. We don’t really know what you do but rumor has it you smuggled a kilo of heroin into Oz by hiding it in your board bag.
5. Deathhammer, “Satan is Back”:
You ran over Little Johnny’s brand new Hypto Krypto. The youth hate you. You screech out of the lot blasting death metal, but you’re terrified of anything over three feet. You once made a Surfing Magazine airshow quarterfinal. You ride a swallow-tailed Wave Tools and give your local jetty hell. You glass boards on weekends and create your own surf edits to old school Iron Maiden.
6. Kendrick Lamar, “King Kunta”:
You’re on the USC surf team. You have a quiver of Merricks and you dork out on surfboard technology to the point of annoyance. “I heard Conner’s new model is sickkkkk.” You’re the first guy out at Lowers at 4:45 AM. You float sections as opposed to doing fly aways. You never fall, ever.
7. WAND, “Flying Golem”:
You haven’t purchased a new surfboard, like, ever. You ride Dane’s hand me down’s hand me down. Your passive aggressive back paddling approach consists mostly of a head nod at best but you are damn good at it. Your strengths are small, punchy beach breaks and Creed-style fin-huck reverses. While you don’t read any modern surf journalism, you subscribe to High Times on your tablet. You live in Laguna Beach with your mom and visit your dad sometimes who lives in Canada.
8. Viet Cong, “Silhouettes”:
You’ve won back-to-back airshows in the NSSA Southwest Conference. And 4th overall in Open Mens is a pretty good accomplishment. You’re still torn between watching the Brazil ‘CT event or JJF’s Done movie for the 5000th time. Your balls haven’t dropped yet and you ride a Mayhem Sub Scorcher as well as a Super Brand Dion model.