The WSL Commentating Dream Team

Dream Team

Some people love the WSL’s commentators. Others would rather listen to an ambush of hairless cats have sex in an alleyway or an old woman having a stroke or, worse yet, anything by the band Rebelution. I happen to think the team they’ve assembled is just fine.

But anyone and anything in life has the potential to be better — especially when something is just fine. And a man can dream, can’t he?

That was a rhetorical questions because you’re not Freud and I already did dream. I dreamt of the best possible combination of WSL commentators ever.

See.


This fucking guy
Newsflash, League: the mainstream ain’t buying that whole UNPREDICTABLE thing you had going. I liked it, but it’s nothing more than a creative way of saying hey guys, you’re going to have to watch a 30-minute heat in France where the tide sucks and no waves come in and somebody wins with a 5.73 heat total. I get it. Anybody who surfs gets it. But if you really want to broaden that audience and reach people who don’t surf, you’re gonna have to realize that those people would rather laugh at us — not talk about thruster set ups with us. And this fucking guy is perfect for that.

Mason
Mason Ho
Give him a wildcard into every single event. Then, when he’s not surfing, make him commentate all the heats that aren’t exactly glowing with star power. We’re talking those inevitable Bede VS Alejo, Keanu VS Cathels match ups that are mostly ignored like stepchildren or bran cereal at a hotel breakfast buffet or a stepchild eating bran cereal at a hotel breakfast buffet, maybe wearing something from Hot Topic? A Rancid t-shirt would be my guess.

Anyway, Mason would make all those heats amazing.


Bill O’Reilly
He seems pissed off all the time. I like that. Maybe he’d punch the So Pitted guy in the face.

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Tom Curren
This one comes with a few potential issues. Is he going to show up on a time? Doubt it. Will he bring some obscure musical instrument in with him and play it whenever he feels the itch? Probably. Is he going to zone out from time to time, maybe just wander off the set inexplicably? I’m sure. But, like Mason Ho, you must listen to this man every time he speaks. Plus, there would be immense entertainment value in all of his mishaps — another key to keep viewers sucked in through boring heats.

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Anybody From Naked News
Ever watch this? I did when the first tingles of puberty began to lash away at my biochemical makeup. My dabbling lead to the eventual downfall of my family’s computer, which forced an uncomfortable conversation with my parents, but it’s OK because I blamed it all on James Lang (Pro tip: Always blame James Lang). If you haven’t seen the program, here’s how it works: they read the news while stripping — the very definition of engaging content. Grab a couple of these ladies, maybe even a token hunk, and your audience will be interacting with your product like never before.

kelly“Do my hands look wrinkly on there?
Kelly Slater
Six time East Coast Champion. Four time National champion. 2003 X Games Gold Medalist! This guy’s trophy room speaks for itself. He might be kind of busy with competing in the events, and his wave pool, and that whole Patagonia thing he started, but I bet he could find some time to call a few heats.

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Bear
It’d stir the pot a little bit, sure. They say that no PR is bad PR, so I think you need to staunchly defend this decision. Spectator gets mauled on the beach? Ohh boo hooo did the beary wary come and scwatch you? PETA comes at you? Eat some celery pussies! Keep it up and before you thing you know it you’re getting all sorts of coverage from media outlets across the world. The WSL becomes a household name, simple as that.

That about covers it. What I’ve done here, WSL, is provided you with the blueprint for a broadcast that is interesting (Curren), funny (Mason), insightful (Kelly), passionate (Bill), engaging (porn ladies) and quite simply demands attention (live, dangerous animal). Not sure what the so pitted guy adds to the equation but he’s you’re problem now, not mine. —Brendan Buckley