What To Do If Brazil Takes Over Surfing

Here are your options

jbay15-day1-09-jimmicane copyIs this the future?

It’s scary.

Two years. Two different Brazilian World Champions. Two different Brazilian WQS champions. One just won the Triple Crown during an El Nino year and have you seen the airs they’ve been pulling? Scary. All of this.

A seizure of surfing could be on its way. Our perfect sport, teetering on the edge of green and yellow takeover.

The good news is we still have time — but we must act now. Here are your options, surfing.

Everybody quit surfing and start hang-gliding.
Hang gliding can’t be that hard — seems like you pretty much just strap yourself to a kite, jump off a cliff, go straight for a little while and then Instagram a picture in hopes that all the girls you went to high school with will see it, think you’re cool and want to bang you next time you’re home.

So the idea is that we move the entire industry over to a different sport. Everybody keeps their jobs, everybody keeps their contracts. It’s the classic they zig, you zag technique. Oh you guys are really good at surfing now? HA! Surfing ended like four years ago dude. Everybody is hang gliding now. Hang gliding, so cool. So rebellious.

Give them their own World Tour. Rio de Janeiro. Fernando. Saquerema. Puerto Escondido. There are enough waves in Brazil for a full tour. They crown their own champion while the rest of us can carry on in peace.

Revise the scoring criteria. Make it so that every surfer has to do a play-by-play call of their best two waves immediately following the conclusion of their heats. The surfer who performs perfectly accented English in the critical parts of sentence structure with speed, power and punctuality will receive the highest score. Progressive/innovative vocabulary will also be considered. The post-heat speech can add a maximum of 25% to every score, meaning that a perfect 20 could become a 25. On that note, is everybody ready for Ace Buchan to become World Champ?

Nuke ‘em. I don’t know. I just feel like you could get half the South to rally behind this one. Trump/Buck 2016. You heard it here first.

Establish and encourage a society of understanding in which people realize that we are all the same regardless of pigmentation, place of origin or cultural blueprint, and casually enjoy the progression of our sport instead of fussing over the color of the flags flying on the beach.