Adriano De Souza Is The Best Surfer In The World Right Now*

Adriano, sharp.Adriano de Souza. Photo: Corey Wilson

Did you see that new Adriano edit the other day? It was a banger.

See, that was a joke. Because I know you didn’t see one. It’s because it didn’t exist. I’m not convinced Adriano even freesurfs that much. And when he does, I imagine it’s with the rankings-leader yellow jersey still on, in the same way that Hasidic Jews make love through a sheet or how Mormons do it in magic underwear. If he did drop an edit this year it would be called something very serious and not-fun, something I’d never want to click like: “Perseverance,” or “Training Season.” It would most certainly be brought to you by Red Bull.

Also, Adriano de Souza is the best surfer in the world right now…technically. Technically, as in: points. You know, those lil old things that are rational and not subject to interpretation and also add up to prove solid mathematical equations. Those lil old things that decide EVERYTHING, from global markets to elected leaders to every sport to…catastrophic events. Like earthquakes.

Regardless, Adriano de Souza is technically the best surfer in the world with only four events left in the 2015 WSL season, meaning that he will have (technically) been the best surfer in the world longer than any other competitor that may end up winning in the end. CoughOwenWrightCough. OrJulianorFilipecoughcough.

But you probably wouldn’t know this because in nearly all surf media (save the WSL site), online or print, the best surfer in the world is nowhere to be found. A phantom. Hidden in plain sight. Or perhaps, ignored. He will certainly not get a small-part in Kai Neville’s next section-based surf-art-flick and while guys like Noa Deane and John John get play all over the place, on every site, in every nook and cranny of our collective surf consciousness, you might only find the best surfer in the world lost within stirring exposes like: “Quarterfinalists Decided At Drug Aware Pro.”

And I ask myself, “Self…why is that?” Is it because his headline sponsor is something called “HD,” which I originally thought stood for Hi-Def and was okay with that, before I discovered it actually stands for “Hawaiian Dreams,” which immediately made me throw up in my mouth a little? (They call that “cheesing.”) Is it because of his claims? Or his affinity for floaters? Or his lack of flare and pizazz? Or is it because he looks exactly like Bruno Mars whist sporting a fedora? Why, Self, oh why is the best surfer in the world nowhere to be seen or read of in the surf world?

Because surely, it can’t be about his talent. The kid’s finished Top-10 six times in the last 10 years, three of those years finishing No. 5, with five ‘CT event wins under his career-belt. He’s beat ‘em all and he’s got an uncanny way of cooling guys on heaters. Like John John at Margarets. Dane at J-Bay. The way Slater buckles under his spell like my 3-year-old nieces at Disney’s “Frozen Fun Land”, every single time in a heat (but once) since 2010.

Now, I know, I know. Watching Adriano shit on our idols in heats is like watching the douchey guy dressed like Fred Durst at the party taking home the hottest chick at the end of the night. Like, C’mon!? And I also know that if he were to win the title, surf journalists will have the same motivation to do a story on it in the same way you felt when mom woke you up for school in the morning in 6th grade. Like: “Awww, do I haaaave to?!?!”

But yes, we’d have to. Because the best surfer in the world deserves a little f–king recognition. A little f–king respect. A little f–king coverage. Some little f–king words on a screen that do attest to his point-proven, undeniable supremacy.

Adriano de Souza is the best surfer in the world right now. And regardless of who wins the title at the end of the year, Adriano will have been ranked 1st longer than anyone else in the year 2015. –Beau Flemister