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Orcas Whales Are Your New Best Friend

Because they eat sharks

Great Whites only look over their pectoral fins in fear of one thing and one thing only: the mighty Orca whale. The orca is the real apex predator in the ocean. According to Australian Marine Biologist Brinkley Davies, a pod of orcas once killed a great white off Port Lincoln in South Australia, ate its liver and left the carcass on the seafloor as a reminder of who was the true gangster of the deep blue sea. The impact was immediate. Neptune island, a popular spot to go cage diving, turned into a shark-ghost town. Not a damn shark to be seen.

The good news is that orcas don’t get down with human flesh — there has never been a recorded attack on a surfer. Therefor, SURFING Magazine proposes the idea to take all of SeaWorld’s orcas and train them to be guard dogs at J-Bay, Margaret River, Reunion Island and any other beloved surf spot known for its grey-suited locals.

Think about it: the barbaric imprisonment of a majestic creature comes to an end. Trainers stop getting killed. And we get the peace of mind that we have a guardian whale who’s intelligent enough to know that we aren’t very tasty. Everybody wins. Well, besides SeaWorld, but we’ve all seen Blackfish anyway. —Jake Tellkamp

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